A Housecat's Expert Opinion of Loneliness.

It's been my observation that humans are obsessed with relationships. If they've not got someone fawning over them, thinking of fawning over them, or just loitering about and harassing the housecat, they begin to question their worth. To a cat this seems a bit of a hoopla. I doubt I'll ever understand the mechanics of such self-torment, and to be frank, my interest in the species is limited to the provision and maintenance of sand and to the fair distribution of kibble. Still, even the most detached cat can't help wondering at the ease with which humans allow other humans to plunge them into loneliness and depression. I've known many other cats in my time, but I wasn't overly stunted, nor did I stop living the moment they strutted out of my life. In fact, it's nice not having to share the sandbox all the time. After all, there are only so many spaces in which to bury things before the situation just gets ugly.

Then, it's a bit like comparing hamsters to horses. Housecats have little need for companionship whereas humans typically crave it. Not that we're entirely anti-social, but we have no incessant yearning for the security of another. In fact, the kind of people I personally gravitate toward are dog people. They're usually guests, generally allergic, and often too polite to neglect a quick scratch betwixt the ears before shooing me along. Mind you, when they're really allergic I try my best to stay around a while. (I wouldn't want them thinking it's okay to become chummy in the future, and the more dander I deposit the less likely they are to build an immunity.)

My view may sound somewhat callous, but please realise that my species has a long and complex genome containing many traits characteristic of the archetypical loner. We are independent, self-reliant, and we need no one other than ourselves. We have one paw in the wild the whole of our lives, ready to step in and take charge at any moment. (Given the circumstances, I think we're doing well tolerating humans at all.)

Mind you, I'm not saying that cats never feel lonely. There are times when we have certain urges that require satiation. This is the doubled edge of the feline sword. It's fairly impossible to be a rough and tumble loner when you're feeling a little on the mushy side. Those rare moments notwithstanding, you don't see cats whinging about having no one around. No sir! When we're feeling vulnerable, a few suckles on our self-proclaimed owner's favourite plush souvenir or even an expensive cashmere cardigan and we're back to normal in no time.

I suppose that's the fruitage of feline practicality. Though, looking in retrospect, it can be rather humiliating. Humans may cry and moan the moment they lose the security of a coupled union, but one lesson they can learn from a cat's plight is that it's better to have loved and lost than ever to have loved a doll.


READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lazers, Treats.

Mr. Humphries' Agony Session #5

Dear Mr. Fleez,

I have a dilemma. I have written a novel and have found a publisher, but now I am having anxiety over whether or not to go through with signing a contract. I am convinced that there is a better publisher out there for me somewhere; I just need to find a decent agent to represent me. My dilemma is this: Do I publish now for significantly less money than I know I am worth, or do I hold out and run the risk of going another year unpublished?

Yours Truly, Agentless in Australia.


Dear Agentless,

Writing is probably one of the most sadomasochistic careers an individual can decide upon. If you question that statement, I'll happily check your scepticism.

The following list is a compilation of career characteristics which no one in his right mind would tolerate under any ordinary circumstance. When undertaking the task of writing for publication, however, he not only tolerates them, but will repeatedly and willingly subject himself to such without complaint and often without promise of pay or compensation.

1. Long, thankless hours.
   
2. Frequent distractions.
   
3. Oppressive solitude.
   
4. Creative strain.
   
5. Disinterested, dishonest, or harsh criticism.
   
6. Form filling and copyright acquisition.
   
7. Hard-sell, mass solicitation.
   
8. Persistent, arbitrary rejection.
   
9. Mind-numbing frustration.
   
10. Lasting doubt and mental anguish.

Writing is truly a labour of love. (Unless you're a technical writer; that's when it becomes a labour of vindictive spite against those too stupid to figure out how to open a washing machine without instructions.) Few situations ask so much while offering so little in return. Even call centres and big-business, corporate monkey cages don't have the guts to impose such ridiculous standards without some seemingly worthwhile compensation package. If they did, their already astronomical turnover rate would become…whatever you call something that surpasses astronomical.

Agentless, when you decided to write for publication, you subjected yourself to the abuse of an elite group of unthankful, disloyal, and unreasonable sadists, politely titled editors. You committed to wading through an ocean of imbeciles who think that just because they own the latest edition of Microsoft® word-processing software they can write a novel. You expended your time, energy, and resources to get to the point where you are: Almost published. Now you've come to a major crossroads, and you're asking a housecat for advice. What happened here?

What you really need is to evaluate your situation honestly, which isn't always easy to do. Ask yourself, "Do I have faith in my personal ability to go for more, or am I so desperate for even marginal success that I'll willingly settle?" That's a tough question to answer, regardless of why it's asked, but the result, when carefully considered, can be life-altering.

Another way you may wish to evaluate your situation is to consider it as if it were a different aspect of life. For instance a marriage. Would you marry someone you weren't absolutely in love with simply so others would know that you are loveable? Most people would instantly respond negatively; but from my covert observations I've learnt that humans are frequently dishonest with themselves, and there are some who would say no yet leap at the first opportunity that presented itself.

I realise that not all decisions are black and white; nor are they all as serious as marriage, but sometimes even making a bad decision is better than becoming stagnant. If you decide to publish, fine. At least it's done and behind you. If it comes out awful, you'll know better next time. If on the other hand you decide to follow the convention of finding an agent, good on you; treat yourself to some catnip. Whatever you decide, research your options, carefully think it through, and take action soon. You can say what you like, but until you take action, you haven't made a decision. Once it's all said and done you'll be able to move on to the next endeavour. Until then, you'll suffer the sore bum of a fence-sitter.

Yours Purringly,

W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)

READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lazers, Treats.

A Day in the Life of a Sophisticated Housecat Part III: The Evening

In parts I and II of A Day in the Life of a Sophisticated Housecat, I took you on a photo tour of how the sophisticated housecat typically spends his morning and his afternoon. Today we discuss the evening. A sophisticated housecat may not indulge in feral behaviour, but I must warn sensitive readers: Some of the subject matter may shock you.


Unlike morning and afternoon, checking the weather in the evening is multi-purposeful. It's nice to know what it's like outside, but it's also crucial to the compilation of statistics on local feral populations and jeer/smear>^..^< incidences. Access to a dark room or shaded window is necessary for clear observation of outdoor specimens. Therefore, it is absolutely vital that you train your human to lower the shades or open doors to rooms that are otherwise vacant in the evening.


Training your human is a complicated, ongoing task, which requires playing with and entertaining her. At times it may also require a bit of reverse psychology. Because of this, it is best done in the evening when she is easily exhausted and more willing to lavish her master with goodies in hopes that he will also tire quickly.


A truly sophisticated housecat knows whether to accept the goody offerings or to demand more. Frequent goody buy-offs can promote indifference and disobedience in humans and obesity in housecats. Knowing when to demand more is key to genuine sophistication. Go beyond mere goodies and demand gifts as well. A well-trained human will know how to please her master, offering a multitude abatements. Grasshoppers, crickets, clockwork mice, or feather wands are some of the finest available.


Personal entertainment is an important part of kitty nightlife. Unlike ferals and common housecats, however, the sophisticated housecat uses his dominant personality not only to exact the finest gifts from his self-proclaimed owner, but also to intimidate those gifts into submission. This helps him maintain the one foot in the wild standard required for all sophisticated housecats under the Absolute Aloofness Act, a code of conduct adopted in 1562 to protect the sophistication of the feline race from domineering humans, witch-hunters, bumpkins, and socially or intellectually challenged members of the feline species.


Once a gift has been properly intimidated, playing with or eating it follows. Some of my human readers may consider this barbarian. I remind you, however, that a cat has never embarked upon a crusade, nor has he developed weapons of mass destructions, methods of torturing other cats, or recordings by New Kids On The Block, Britney Spears, or any other crap noise pollutant released into the mass media by humans lacking social conscience.


Training humans and playing with their gift offerings can be tiring, so a bit of a pick-me-up may be needed in order to avoid early-evening napping. For the sophisticated housecat, catnip is the crop of choice. I have also known some who prefer dipping in coffee, black tea, or even the occasional caffeinated soda beverage. It is noteworthy, however, that catnip, unlike the other listed stimulants, will not damage a cat's liver, kidneys or stomach, even though it is perfectly capable of damaging their pride.


Computers have done much for the sophisticated housecat. Some, myself included, spend a good deal of time working on blogs, investments, advertising, and real estate schemes while their humans are either sleeping or relaxing in another room. Gin Rummy, Pyramids, Contract Bridge and other card games are often played while taking much needed breaks from intellectual work. In past, participation in these games required the aide of willing human subjects. With new technology, however, the sophisticated housecat is no longer reliant on human co-operation in this respect. This is particularly beneficial for Bridge-loving felines, as it is painfully obvious that humans have no concept of game. (Especially when they eagerly rebid to their partner's 4 Spades even though the opposition have both previously passed and they only have three low spade cards in their entire paw!)


A cat can get very hungry after a busy day, so by evening, a nice dish of supper is more than welcome. If a housecat is a sophisticated specimen, he will have his human well-trained in the proper selection of kitty kibble.


Whatever your feline fancy, your self-proclaimed owner ought to have it ready for you right on schedule. Remember, though, humans are imperfect, so it may be necessary to, annoy, pressure, or threaten them if they fail or refuse to comply.


After spending a long day sleeping, eating, playing, scratching about in a sandbox, dominating grasshoppers, humans, and devouring catnip, who can blame even a sophisticated housecat for wanting to shnuggle in for a quiet and comfortable rest? Without a long evening respite, it would be next to impossible for any kitty to wake and begin afresh the following day. Since sophisticated housecats bear a heavy burden of responsibility in feline society, the rejuvenation of slumber may well be the most important activity in which they engage.


I sincerely hope that you've enjoyed this three part, pictorial exposition on the lifestyle of sophisticated housecats. Perhaps after reading this humans will be more appreciative of the hard work and deliberation that goes into the everyday function of the earth's moggy monarchs. Further, if any under-appreciated or disrespected kitties are reading this article, I encourage you to defy the oppressive human yoke, find your feline spine, and take control of your kitty kingdom once and for all!


READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lazers, Treats.

Mr. Humphries' Agony Session #4

Dear Mr. Fleez,

I am a 28 year old veterinarian's assistant, and I have done well for myself. Over the past few years I have been questioning whether or not to attend my Class Reunion, should I receive an invitation. This was the year. I received the invitation for an "informal" ten-year reunion which will take place on the 31st of December. I was not liked in school, and most of those I considered friends left well before graduation. Part of me wants to go so I can show those who doubted me that I did do all I had intended to do, whereas he other part of me wants to let it be. What would be the feline thing to do?

Sincerely,
Dithering.


Dear Dithering,

There's a slight problem with the question you've asked: You are a human and not a cat. I know this, because no cat worth his claws would willingly assist a veterinarian. What benefit, therefore, is there in my telling you the feline thing to do? You'll only turn around and do the human thing regardless.

Dithering, humans are blighted by the burden of sentiment. No matter what you decide, feelings from your past will overwhelm and confuse you. If you go, you'll wish you hadn't, but if you don't you'll wish you had. Either way, your nature as an overly emotional creature of feeling will convince you that your decision was incorrect. Inevitably your own heart will accuse you of either subjecting yourself to undue stress or depriving yourself the possibility of personal redemption.

Your situation would be a no-brainer, were you a cat. You'd steal the keys from your so-called boss' office, free all of her feline captives, and taunt any prisoners of the canine persuasion as you led your bewhiskered brethren through an open window to freedom. Then you'd forget about the reunion, because it'd only turn out to be an exposé of your personal insecurities, which, were you a cat, you'd not have to begin with.

My advice to you, Dithering, is simple: Take a saucer of warm milk, a tin of your favourite moist delight, relax in a warm blanket, and be satisfied to let sleeping d*gs lie. I can't think of a more feline thing to do in any situation.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)



READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lazers, Treats.

A Day in the Life of a Sophisticated Housecat Part II: The Afternoon.

In part one of A Day in the Life of a Sophisticated Housecat, I took you on a pictorial tour of a typical feline morning. Today we will discus what happens when a sophisticated housecat wakes from his morning nap and decides to grace his humans with his immaculate presence.



After waking and moving from their favourite napping place, the first thing the sophisticated housecat must do is check the weather. This holds true for the afternoon, just as it does the morning. A housecat must never go a day without looking out the window at least three times. Failing to do this may deprive kitty of warm sunlight, soft breezes, or a plethora of interesting smells and sensations. Remember, too, that sophisticated housecats must take every opportunity to look down upon the average commoner, that is to say, the alley cats.


A housecat's afternoon activity is usually determined by the weather. If it is sunny, the obvious action is to catch some of the warm rays and relax for a while. Of course, it's not always sunny and warm. There are rainy days, and there are winter days. When the weather is less than ideal, what choice does the sophisticated housecat have than to skip sunbathing and move on to the next activity of the afternoon: Finding trouble.


Finding trouble is not usually a difficult task. Most humans, especially the artsy kind, own things that they don't wish disturbed. Disturbing such objects is usually an adequate means of finding trouble. There are times however when the afternoon search for trouble comes up dry. During such droughts the best option is to play your trump and make mischief.


Making mischief is far more important than you may think. If it weren't for the horridly mischievous moments a sophisticated housecat displays, humans might begin to expect constant friendly companionship. However, as housecats we do have codes by which we must abide. The Feline Absolute Aloofness Act of 1562 wasn't created for nothing, and hem-mangling, as pictured here, is a good way of reminding humans that we, unlike dogs, do not rely on them for anything.


Mischief making is a draining, though often necessary, task. What follows, however, is usually more so. Making amends is best done by looking cute and innocent. Cats know what humans really like, and we do it well. Acting cute and innocent usually seals the rift caused by a particularly vicious hem-mangle within as little as a quarter of an hour after the act. Making amends isn't the only time assuming the cute and innocent posture is worthwhile. When cats require afternoon goodies, they often resort to this method, as it is an extremely effective means of goody getting.


The afternoon isn't the most hectic part of the sophisticated housecat's day, but it's tiring nonetheless. That brings us to the conclusion of this weeks' portion of A Day in the Life of a Sophisticated Housecat: The afternoon nap. Napping is, as was stated before, a valuable part of feline function. Finding a comfortable place to nap in the afternoon is just as vital as it is at any other point in the day. The ideal afternoon napping place will be comfortable but neither too warm or too cool. Heavy sleeping should never be undertaken in the afternoon, as it will leave a kitty groggy during the evening.


Thank you for reading today's Housecat Wisdom. Please, click in next week for my bi-weekly agony session, where I'll answer yet another question from one of my hapless readers. And don't forget the week following when I will be posting the final segment of this pictorial, A Day in the Life of a Sophisticated Housecat Part III: The Evening.



READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lazers, Treats.