Mr. Humphries' Agony Session #5

Dear Mr. Fleez,

I have a dilemma. I have written a novel and have found a publisher, but now I am having anxiety over whether or not to go through with signing a contract. I am convinced that there is a better publisher out there for me somewhere; I just need to find a decent agent to represent me. My dilemma is this: Do I publish now for significantly less money than I know I am worth, or do I hold out and run the risk of going another year unpublished?

Yours Truly, Agentless in Australia.


Dear Agentless,

Writing is probably one of the most sadomasochistic careers an individual can decide upon. If you question that statement, I'll happily check your scepticism.

The following list is a compilation of career characteristics which no one in his right mind would tolerate under any ordinary circumstance. When undertaking the task of writing for publication, however, he not only tolerates them, but will repeatedly and willingly subject himself to such without complaint and often without promise of pay or compensation.

1. Long, thankless hours.
   
2. Frequent distractions.
   
3. Oppressive solitude.
   
4. Creative strain.
   
5. Disinterested, dishonest, or harsh criticism.
   
6. Form filling and copyright acquisition.
   
7. Hard-sell, mass solicitation.
   
8. Persistent, arbitrary rejection.
   
9. Mind-numbing frustration.
   
10. Lasting doubt and mental anguish.

Writing is truly a labour of love. (Unless you're a technical writer; that's when it becomes a labour of vindictive spite against those too stupid to figure out how to open a washing machine without instructions.) Few situations ask so much while offering so little in return. Even call centres and big-business, corporate monkey cages don't have the guts to impose such ridiculous standards without some seemingly worthwhile compensation package. If they did, their already astronomical turnover rate would become…whatever you call something that surpasses astronomical.

Agentless, when you decided to write for publication, you subjected yourself to the abuse of an elite group of unthankful, disloyal, and unreasonable sadists, politely titled editors. You committed to wading through an ocean of imbeciles who think that just because they own the latest edition of Microsoft® word-processing software they can write a novel. You expended your time, energy, and resources to get to the point where you are: Almost published. Now you've come to a major crossroads, and you're asking a housecat for advice. What happened here?

What you really need is to evaluate your situation honestly, which isn't always easy to do. Ask yourself, "Do I have faith in my personal ability to go for more, or am I so desperate for even marginal success that I'll willingly settle?" That's a tough question to answer, regardless of why it's asked, but the result, when carefully considered, can be life-altering.

Another way you may wish to evaluate your situation is to consider it as if it were a different aspect of life. For instance a marriage. Would you marry someone you weren't absolutely in love with simply so others would know that you are loveable? Most people would instantly respond negatively; but from my covert observations I've learnt that humans are frequently dishonest with themselves, and there are some who would say no yet leap at the first opportunity that presented itself.

I realise that not all decisions are black and white; nor are they all as serious as marriage, but sometimes even making a bad decision is better than becoming stagnant. If you decide to publish, fine. At least it's done and behind you. If it comes out awful, you'll know better next time. If on the other hand you decide to follow the convention of finding an agent, good on you; treat yourself to some catnip. Whatever you decide, research your options, carefully think it through, and take action soon. You can say what you like, but until you take action, you haven't made a decision. Once it's all said and done you'll be able to move on to the next endeavour. Until then, you'll suffer the sore bum of a fence-sitter.

Yours Purringly,

W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)

READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

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