A Day in the Life of a Sophisticated Housecat Part III: The Evening

In parts I and II of A Day in the Life of a Sophisticated Housecat, I took you on a photo tour of how the sophisticated housecat typically spends his morning and his afternoon. Today we discuss the evening. A sophisticated housecat may not indulge in feral behaviour, but I must warn sensitive readers: Some of the subject matter may shock you.


Unlike morning and afternoon, checking the weather in the evening is multi-purposeful. It's nice to know what it's like outside, but it's also crucial to the compilation of statistics on local feral populations and jeer/smear>^..^< incidences. Access to a dark room or shaded window is necessary for clear observation of outdoor specimens. Therefore, it is absolutely vital that you train your human to lower the shades or open doors to rooms that are otherwise vacant in the evening.


Training your human is a complicated, ongoing task, which requires playing with and entertaining her. At times it may also require a bit of reverse psychology. Because of this, it is best done in the evening when she is easily exhausted and more willing to lavish her master with goodies in hopes that he will also tire quickly.


A truly sophisticated housecat knows whether to accept the goody offerings or to demand more. Frequent goody buy-offs can promote indifference and disobedience in humans and obesity in housecats. Knowing when to demand more is key to genuine sophistication. Go beyond mere goodies and demand gifts as well. A well-trained human will know how to please her master, offering a multitude abatements. Grasshoppers, crickets, clockwork mice, or feather wands are some of the finest available.


Personal entertainment is an important part of kitty nightlife. Unlike ferals and common housecats, however, the sophisticated housecat uses his dominant personality not only to exact the finest gifts from his self-proclaimed owner, but also to intimidate those gifts into submission. This helps him maintain the one foot in the wild standard required for all sophisticated housecats under the Absolute Aloofness Act, a code of conduct adopted in 1562 to protect the sophistication of the feline race from domineering humans, witch-hunters, bumpkins, and socially or intellectually challenged members of the feline species.


Once a gift has been properly intimidated, playing with or eating it follows. Some of my human readers may consider this barbarian. I remind you, however, that a cat has never embarked upon a crusade, nor has he developed weapons of mass destructions, methods of torturing other cats, or recordings by New Kids On The Block, Britney Spears, or any other crap noise pollutant released into the mass media by humans lacking social conscience.


Training humans and playing with their gift offerings can be tiring, so a bit of a pick-me-up may be needed in order to avoid early-evening napping. For the sophisticated housecat, catnip is the crop of choice. I have also known some who prefer dipping in coffee, black tea, or even the occasional caffeinated soda beverage. It is noteworthy, however, that catnip, unlike the other listed stimulants, will not damage a cat's liver, kidneys or stomach, even though it is perfectly capable of damaging their pride.


Computers have done much for the sophisticated housecat. Some, myself included, spend a good deal of time working on blogs, investments, advertising, and real estate schemes while their humans are either sleeping or relaxing in another room. Gin Rummy, Pyramids, Contract Bridge and other card games are often played while taking much needed breaks from intellectual work. In past, participation in these games required the aide of willing human subjects. With new technology, however, the sophisticated housecat is no longer reliant on human co-operation in this respect. This is particularly beneficial for Bridge-loving felines, as it is painfully obvious that humans have no concept of game. (Especially when they eagerly rebid to their partner's 4 Spades even though the opposition have both previously passed and they only have three low spade cards in their entire paw!)


A cat can get very hungry after a busy day, so by evening, a nice dish of supper is more than welcome. If a housecat is a sophisticated specimen, he will have his human well-trained in the proper selection of kitty kibble.


Whatever your feline fancy, your self-proclaimed owner ought to have it ready for you right on schedule. Remember, though, humans are imperfect, so it may be necessary to, annoy, pressure, or threaten them if they fail or refuse to comply.


After spending a long day sleeping, eating, playing, scratching about in a sandbox, dominating grasshoppers, humans, and devouring catnip, who can blame even a sophisticated housecat for wanting to shnuggle in for a quiet and comfortable rest? Without a long evening respite, it would be next to impossible for any kitty to wake and begin afresh the following day. Since sophisticated housecats bear a heavy burden of responsibility in feline society, the rejuvenation of slumber may well be the most important activity in which they engage.


I sincerely hope that you've enjoyed this three part, pictorial exposition on the lifestyle of sophisticated housecats. Perhaps after reading this humans will be more appreciative of the hard work and deliberation that goes into the everyday function of the earth's moggy monarchs. Further, if any under-appreciated or disrespected kitties are reading this article, I encourage you to defy the oppressive human yoke, find your feline spine, and take control of your kitty kingdom once and for all!


READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lazers, Treats.