Lewis: The Terrorist of Sunset Circle

Due to power failure this article was posted late. I do apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Recently someone asked me to comment on Lewis, Connecticut USA's psycho kitty who has allegedly terrorised at least half a dozen citizens, including an Avon lady, several unsuspecting gardeners, and purrhaps the occasional Jehovah's Witness. If you've not heard of this feisty feline, I'll do my best to give you a bit of background. Keep in mind, however, that although I am also a feline, I have no purrsonal connection with Lewis, so anything I tell you is technically second-paw information and should be researched at the source.

According to the Connecticut Post, Lewis is a five-year-old black and white polydactyl with a penchant for stealthy stalking. Apparently he hides in bushes, under vehicles, or really anywhere he can get his wiggle on without anyone spotting him, before bounding out, brandishing teeth, claws, and, most probably, a maniacal glower. Unfortunately, his entirely unsophisticated behaviour has landed his self-proclaimed owner, Ruth Cisero, in a bit of a legal bind. Furthermore, his own life is currently in the balance over the attacks.

I suppose you're all expecting me to side with Lewis and his so-called owner, but must I remind you that, as a cat, it is my birthright to spurn human expectations? That's one of the best bits about being a cat: I can say just about anything I want, regardless of what others expect. To a cat, nothing is sacred, not even other cats. Though, I must admit, it's not necessarily Lewis that's rubbed me backward; rather, it's his ridiculously oblivious human.

Cisero "adopted" Lewis three years ago and claims she has never had any troubles in the home. According to her, he is "a cat's cat" who climbs trees and sits on roofs, and she laments that he is now under house arrest. I can understand Lewis being a bit miffed at having to remain indoors for his crimes. After all, no one likes consequences. Nevertheless, if Lewis' defence attorney is telling the truth, this feline has been egged, hosed, and tormented to the point of fury. In fact, Ms. Cisero not only mulishly denies any wrong-doing on the part of her angelic moggy, (who is, of course, incapable of being a serial stalker, because, after all, she's never purrsonally been attacked,) but has also counterclaimed that the entire cul-de-sac is against him. As unrealistic, and frankly histrionic, as this claim may be, it raises an interesting question: Why'd she let him out in the first place?

It seems that Lewis has been double damned: Initially by the people who antagonised him to the brink of insanity, and further by the ignorance and irrationality of his self-proclaimed owner. How much easier it would've been for her had she simply recognised his problem and tightened security, before she was brought up on charges. Now she'll have to go through an arduous trial, which will likely become a three-ring-circus of animal activists, scoffing citizens, and people who had nothing better to do, all so she can be ordered to surrender Lewis anyway.

Purrsonally, I don't think she should be allowed to keep him regardless of the trial's outcome. I'm convinced that she has a faltering grasp on reality and should probably be receiving medical attention herself. Her instability is manifest in not only her poor judgement, but also in her neighbourhood conspiracy theory and her threats to pack up and run fugitive should the judge order Lewis euthanized.

In closing, I'd like to clarify my position on Lewis' possible death sentence: As far as I know, a five-year-old cat isn't likely suffering from senility, but that doesn't exclude a medical reason for his antisocial behaviour. One of my former co-inmates, Flip, had tumours in her back as a kitten, and as she approached 7-years-old she started losing her mind. Eventually she began ambushing and attacking strangers and later the rest of us. In the end she was euthanized, and justly so. If Lewis does indeed have an irreparable medical condition causing his misconduct, I can understand the decision to euthanize. Otherwise, I hold Ms. Cisero accountable in as much as she failed to comply with the law, and the judge in as much as he failed to see transference to a maximum security moggy reformatory as an alternative to capital punishment.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)


READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

Mr. Fleez' Agony Session #18: My Kingdom for a Seahorse?

Mr. Fleez,

u r clever so maybe u can settle a bet…is a seahorse a proper horse? i said its a fish what looks like a horse n matt said its a proper horse what livs underwater…what do u think?

ty chris.



Dear Chris,

What I think is that you are in desperate need of some grammar lessons. I can honestly say that your question, though worthy of answering, is the absolute worst compilation of words ever delivered to my inbox. I think it's a pathetic exhibition of ignorance that should be counted against the faculty of whichever borstal misfortunate enough to have received you. That being said, please, read on.

Seahorses differ from proper horses in many ways, the most obvious being that they weigh considerably less than 71 stone and they're absolute duffers at the steeplechase. (The average weight for a fully grown seahorse is between 50 and 70 grams, and no matter which tack shop you call, they just don't make saddles that small.) Seahorses also have fins, gills, and swim bladders, all of which are absent in the domestic equine. In fact, the only commonality between the two is purrhaps their silhouette; a seahorse's head does bear an uncanny resemblance to that of their mammalian namesake, but aside from that they're altogether disparate.

There was a time when humans believed these harmless little marine creatures were the descendants of a fearful kind of sea monster called hippocampus. The Greeks believed that the sea god Poseidon drove a chariot pulled by two hippocampi, fabled to be half-horse and half-fish. I suppose it was good PR for the lowly little seahorse, who at the time was so revered that he even appeared on the backs of coins.

In spite of his reverent image, the marvels of modern marine-biology have shown that the seahorse is really just a unique little fish. Unlike other fish, however, he swims upright, has a fixed jaw structure, a curly tail (often used to grip plants), and is actually rather cute. I can't say that seahorses taste better than other fish; as I've never eaten one, but judging by the looks of them, I'd recon they're rather crunchy. Furthermore, given that they dwell among the coral reefs of the South Pacific and along the frothy coasts of the Mediterranean, they're likely salty, as well.

Seahorses are truly extraordinary creatures. In researching this topic I found so much information that I could have easily written a book. However, since I'm relatively certain that you can benefit from a little intellectual stimulation, I've decided to allow you the privilege of researching these fantastic fishies yourself. Hopefully you'll find the following links helpful in your purrsonal exploration, and once you've studied up, purrhaps you can settle this bet on your own.

• http://www.aquarium.org/seahorses/f-faq.htm
• http://www.seahorse-australia.com.au/pages/seahr_biology.html
• http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/transcripts/2410seah.html

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)

READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

Sociopathy: A Dangerous Comfort.

Comfort is a curious word. When I think of something comfortable I think of a large puffy eiderdown, into which I may burrow or purrhaps even sink, like a large ladleful of cat gravy atop a heaping pile of thick, creamy mash. It's something warm and inviting, something pleasant and, well, comfortable. However, comfort isn't always a good thing. In fact, it can be very destructive.

I once read the story of a local man who was beaten to death trying to protect a pregnant woman from her abusive spouse. What made this article memorable was that the husband hadn't done the killing, the woman had. It was an unusual scenario that left me with one lingering question: Why? Why would a woman who'd been trapped in an abusive relationship for more than a year dig through the boot of her car, pull out a tyre iron and bash a man to death for coming to her aid? The answer is a simple one: Comfort.

Sociopaths are notorious liars, able to convince even the most stable-minded individual that she is unlovable, unworthy, and alone. Once the victim's sense of self has been undermined, the sociopath will do as he pleases with little fear of abandonment. Sociopaths can be male or female and can exist in any race, culture, or creed. Because victims of sociopathic abuse are convinced that they're unlovable, they're grateful to have someone—anyone—who's willing to accept them. No matter how abusive the relationship, it becomes familiar and comfortable.

This is a typical case of being content with the devil you know rather than taking a chance on the devil you don't. If a person is convinced that he or she can do no better than their present partner, the very thought of an alternative is terrifying. Sadly, most people who have fallen into this trap can see nothing wrong with their captors. They see only their purrsonal faults and shortcomings. This misguided purrception, along with a large measure of fear, fosters a fierce, though inappropriate, loyalty. This loyalty will lead victims to justify abusive behaviour, slave after, lie for, and even, at times, kill in defence of their abusers.

There's a biblical proverb which states he who in passing becomes furious over a stranger's quarrel is as foolish as one grabbing the ears of a vicious dog. Nevertheless, even if this well-meaning citizen had read this practical bit of wisdom, the shock of seeing someone bashing a pregnant woman would likely have removed it from his memory. That's a tragic reality. Unfortunately, however, such scenarios create a jaded society in which fear prohibits people from coming to the aid of one another in any way whatsoever. They not only avoid getting purrsonally involved, which is admittedly wise, but also avoid informing the proper authorities or even co-operating with civil and criminal investigations. In so doing, humans allow their society to be ruled by sociopaths, and that, in my opinion, is the true tragedy.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)


READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

Mr. Fleez' Agony Session #17: Kittenhood Horrors?

Dear Mr. Fleez,

A few months ago my son gave me a Siamese kitten [Zorro] which by now is a little over 6 months. Yea, I love this nut but he is for sure a "nut". He literally "flys" across the room at any given time. He runs through the house and down the hall like a small jet - hangs on curtains and gets into trash even though he has fresh water and food all the time. He gets on dining room chairs and all you see are little paws reaching up to pull something off the table and even goes to my jewelry box and grabs whatever will fit his paw. At night he finally comes to bed and settles down except for the night he stared at a crack in the baseboard for hours! He had me scared as to what was going to appear from the baseboard. Do you think he will grow out of this and settle down like my older cat? He terrorizes older cat but she slaps him down quite often. Not to worry though - - getting slapped just makes it more exciting for him. This Siamese is a "fruit-cake"!! :))

-Cynthia


Dear Cynthia,

Your problem is a simple one: Zorro is a kitten. Unfortunately, cats start out as kittens, and they don't usually achieve sophistication until after the age of two. Until a kitten becomes a cat, such rogue behaviours are commonplace and are also difficult to break.

Kittens are full of energy, curiosity, and mischief. They, like older cats, are constantly on the prowl for food. Having a full dish of something familiar will not deter the kitten who knows there are fresh, meaty chicken bones hiding in the rubbish. Only when they start discovering banana skins, orange peels, and coffee grounds do they finally realise that the bin isn't a fun place to dive.

Though hunting is instinctive, kittens hone their essential skills while playing with their mother and siblings. Sadly, many kittens are removed from their litters young and haven't fully mastered these abilities. This is why they often do silly things, such as stare after a ladybeetle that crawled into a crack in the flooring three hours earlier. They keep diligent watch over corners, the backs of television sets, and sometimes the drains. It isn't simply the thrill of the hunt that keeps them alert, mind you. At times, they'd just like to remember what caught their interest in the first place.

Once they've given up on hunting the invisible, they'll usually turn to a tangible target. Plants, other cats, and human trouser cuffs are a few favourites. Though it may disturb you to see your older cat swatting at Zorro, it's actually a good thing. This action is a time-tested ritual in feline society called discipline. Since many humans have no concept of discipline, I'll be happy to define it. Discipline is the act of preventing or correcting wrong or inappropriate behaviours by enforcing consequences through the employment of boundaries, restrictions, and in some cases corporal action. When your older cat swats Zorro, she is telling him that his behaviour is inappropriate conduct for a sophisticated feline. You may be able to take a lesson from your older feline and have a paw in the training and discipline of this errant youth. It isn't unusual for a mother cat to paw her kittens between the ears when they are acting inappropriately. A short, gentle, two finger swat between the ears could reinforce phrases such as NO!, NO BITE, DOWN, or OY GET OUT'A THE PLANTS! Please remember, though, that you are considerably larger and stronger than the average kitten, so if you are unable to grasp the concept of a gentle, two-finger swat (no harder than that which a mother cat would inflict) don't attempt it; no cat, kitten or otherwise, will respond favourably to abuse. If you are not comfortable with a gentle swatting, remember you may make use of acute sounds, such as the clapping of hands and a stern voice, or even a covert squirt from a low-pressure water pistol.

Regrettably, some humans are under the misapprehension that kittens are evil and therefore have no place in society. The truth is that even though kittens are evil, without them there would be no sophisticated housecats. And let's not forget, without any two-year-olds there would be no adult humans either. As with human children, kittens require boundaries and training. They need to have toys and to be played with. They need food and clean sand to scratch and dig in. They need love and attention. In short they are a very needy, very demanding responsibility, but if given the proper attention, patience, and discipline, they can grow into a beautifully sophisticated housecat.


Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)


P.S.

If you've tried everything to settle Zorro down, yet nothing seems to be working, I recommend a toy called Da Bird™. I don't usually make recommendations like this, but I can attest, first paw, that cats and kittens alike love it. Add a little bit of Cosmic™ Catnip to the playing field, and he should be Zorro butter in no time. Mind you, not all cat's enjoy catmint; but most do, and of all the dried catmints I've tried, Cosmic™ is the most enjoyable. However, don't overdo it! Cats can become immune to catmint when it's offered too often. Yes, you can get too much of a good thing. :::purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr:::


READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

Seven Wonders of the Feline World.

Throughout time philosophers, historians, and scientists have compiled lists of world wonders. There are lists documenting the ancient world, the modern world, the natural world and the scientific world. Why, then, are there no lists documenting the wonders of the feline world? It's a purrplexing situation, to say the least; but I've yet to hear of any, so I've decided to compile one myself.

Completing such a task is trickier than one might think, even for an exceptionally clever, talented and gorgeous mog, such as myself. It took literally hours of research and deliberation, as there were countless factors to consider. Firstly, what is the most important thing to we felines? Is it our food, our shelter, our companions, or is it where we rest, where we scratch, or where we purrform our more mundane functions? Procuring satisfying answers to such questions is vital to the formation of an accurate list. No doubt they seem fairly basic, but if you try deciding which is most important to you, not to mention choosing fitting examples of each, I suspect you'll find that it's not as simple as it seems.

Before we continue, I'd like you to understand the way in which the list is ordered. Each item is bulleted from least to greatest. Sort of like on the Letterman Show, 7…6…5, and so on. So, the higher in priority, the lower in listing. That having been said, let us proceed.

· Every cat worth his claws enjoys a good scratching post. Wooden posts, preferably those with a bit of bark on them, are typically preferred, so imagine the wonder on the city kitty's puss when he stares up in awe at the wondrous Redwoods of Humboldt Redwoods State Park, California USA. It's estimated that the mighty Redwood tree can grow up to 130 metres, though the tallest falls short of that, standing a mere 112.7 metres.

· Even though there aren't too many moggies wandering out in the wilderness, the following shows that we cats can claw our way into the heart of the most unlikely companions. I can't think of any feline affiliation more wondrous than Muschi, a black, sophisticated moggy and her buddy Maeuschen, a half-ton Asiatic black bear. In 2004 these two were recognised world-wide when Berlin Germany zookeepers decided to reunite them after the bear had been moved to a cage while its enclosure underwent remodelling. No one is sure where Muschi (German for "pussy") came from, but in 2000 she befriended Maeuschen ( German for "little mouse"), and they've been inseparable ever since.

· Felines are furtive creatures, and good hiding spots are always appreciated. That's why I looked to the cougars of Carlsbad Caverns National Park, New Mexico, USA. Cougars are powerful predators who live solitary lives. When birthing offspring, mother cougars will often take shelter in caves or rock crevices, and as anyone who's ever visited Carlsbad Caverns National Park knows, some of the most wondrous caves in the world can be found therein. The cougar may not hide in the caverns, but I'm sure she's dreamt of it! After all, she is of the same genus (Felis) as we sophisticated housecats.

· No cat can live without his catnaps, and on a warm day, where better to rest his prickly-whiskered head than on a soft, cool bed of moss? The Cibodas Bryophyte park, part of the Cibodas Botanical Garden in Cianjur regency, West Java, opened its doors as the world's largest out-door moss garden on the 12th of April, 2006. The 1,500 square metre Bryophyte park contains 250 documented species of moss and will eventually be expanded to 2,500 square metres. A wondrously cushy garden, indeed. Unfortunately, they don't cater to kitties.

· Grooming is an integral part of the sophisticated housecat's life, so when we see this admirable trait in other areas of the world we take notice. In the world of grooming, I can think of nothing more wondrous than the industrious oxpecker. Oxpeckers are to be admired for the complimentary services they provide to both the cape buffalo and the lion. Cape buffalo, much like other planes animals, often suffer from annoying skin parasites. The much appreciated oxpecker feeds on these parasites thus freeing the buffalo of annoyance, while unknowingly reducing the volume of parasites ingested by the lions who eat the buffalo. The oxpecker gets his dinner, the buffalo gets a little relief, the lion eats the buffalo, and in the end everyone's satisfied!

· As everyone knows, felines are fierce hunters, but finding things to hunt isn't always easy. That's why I can think of no more wondrous prey than the portly pachyderms of Africa. The average male elephant can weigh up to 7,000 kilograms, but when attacked by a pride of hungry lions, size is no guarantee of safety! In Botswana's Chobe National Park, these mighty mammoths have fallen to the tests and tactics of the prime planes' predator time and time again. Now that's a true attestation to team work.

· Few things could possibly top the necessity of food; but what goes in must come out, and there's nothing worse than having to dig in dirty sand when the spirit moves you. That's why I've chosen the Sahara Desert as the most supreme wonder of the feline world. The Sahara, in North Africa, is the largest desert in the world, spanning an area of approximately 9,000,000 square kilometres. And even though only about 30% of the desert is actually sand, it's still more sand than I'll ever see all in one place, and I'd wager it's a great deal cleaner than some sandboxes of the smaller variety!

I hope you've enjoyed my list of feline wonders. If you have anything to add, feel free to join the HCW Reader's Group and share your thoughts with others.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)

READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.