Mr. Fleez' Agony Session #18: My Kingdom for a Seahorse?

Mr. Fleez,

u r clever so maybe u can settle a bet…is a seahorse a proper horse? i said its a fish what looks like a horse n matt said its a proper horse what livs underwater…what do u think?

ty chris.



Dear Chris,

What I think is that you are in desperate need of some grammar lessons. I can honestly say that your question, though worthy of answering, is the absolute worst compilation of words ever delivered to my inbox. I think it's a pathetic exhibition of ignorance that should be counted against the faculty of whichever borstal misfortunate enough to have received you. That being said, please, read on.

Seahorses differ from proper horses in many ways, the most obvious being that they weigh considerably less than 71 stone and they're absolute duffers at the steeplechase. (The average weight for a fully grown seahorse is between 50 and 70 grams, and no matter which tack shop you call, they just don't make saddles that small.) Seahorses also have fins, gills, and swim bladders, all of which are absent in the domestic equine. In fact, the only commonality between the two is purrhaps their silhouette; a seahorse's head does bear an uncanny resemblance to that of their mammalian namesake, but aside from that they're altogether disparate.

There was a time when humans believed these harmless little marine creatures were the descendants of a fearful kind of sea monster called hippocampus. The Greeks believed that the sea god Poseidon drove a chariot pulled by two hippocampi, fabled to be half-horse and half-fish. I suppose it was good PR for the lowly little seahorse, who at the time was so revered that he even appeared on the backs of coins.

In spite of his reverent image, the marvels of modern marine-biology have shown that the seahorse is really just a unique little fish. Unlike other fish, however, he swims upright, has a fixed jaw structure, a curly tail (often used to grip plants), and is actually rather cute. I can't say that seahorses taste better than other fish; as I've never eaten one, but judging by the looks of them, I'd recon they're rather crunchy. Furthermore, given that they dwell among the coral reefs of the South Pacific and along the frothy coasts of the Mediterranean, they're likely salty, as well.

Seahorses are truly extraordinary creatures. In researching this topic I found so much information that I could have easily written a book. However, since I'm relatively certain that you can benefit from a little intellectual stimulation, I've decided to allow you the privilege of researching these fantastic fishies yourself. Hopefully you'll find the following links helpful in your purrsonal exploration, and once you've studied up, purrhaps you can settle this bet on your own.

• http://www.aquarium.org/seahorses/f-faq.htm
• http://www.seahorse-australia.com.au/pages/seahr_biology.html
• http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/transcripts/2410seah.html

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)

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