Writer's Block: Well, There's Always Politics.

After a long day spent warming myself on a sun-roasted eiderdown, I've decided that writer's block is nature's punishment for being too comfortable for too long. I can think of no other explanation for my sudden loss of ability. I'm usually a capable thinker. Today, however, I feel as though I've been steadily infused with an ongoing dose of anesthetising apathy. In fact, I'm not entirely certain that I ever woke up.

It's on days like these that I regret my disinterest in politics. From what I've seen, the majority of writers in the blogging world are politically motivated, and that seems to work well for them. Unfortunately, I have little need for the world of human discord, and therefore I have far fewer targets to ponder. Having the security of subjects who are consistently foolish, dishonest, and predictable is a contentment I'll never fully grasp. On the other hand, I do know a thing or two about extemporaneous speaking, and I can't think of anyone more commonly associated with that than George W. Bush.

Many people would argue that there is no humour in the woeful ignorance displayed by the current US president, and I must admit that their position is reasonable. After all, he is one of the world's most powerful men and should therefore exhibit some measure of intelligence. Unfortunately, he doesn't; and as sad as that is, there's no changing it, so why not make the best of a bad situation and have a good laugh? To help you along, I've decided to succumb to my laziness and do what every good political humorist does when they suffer writer's block: I'll share my favourite Bushisms. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I've enjoyed critiquing them.

• "Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., 2000. (No one's really sure what George meant by hemispheric. Then, apparently he didn't either.)
• "I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. 2000. (This is the real reason the US Department of Education wants all states to require at least one civics credit in order for students to qualify for graduation.)
• "They misunderestimated me." —George W. Bush, Bentonville, Ark., 2000. (I can't figure out if this is correct in a double negative sort of way or what. In other words, if they misunderestimated him, does that mean they really overestimated him? At least that would account for the votes.)
• "Never again in the halls of Washington, D.C., do I want to have to make explanations that I can't explain." —George W. Bush, Portland, Oregon, 2000. (Yet another failed political goal.)
• "Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better." —George W. Bush, during a press conference, 2001. (Perhaps the US Department of Education should raise the requirements for geography as well.)
• "When I take action, I'm not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt. It's going to be decisive." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. 2001. (Since the camel is not inside the empty $10 tent, does that make the missile misguided?)
• "When I was a kid I remember that they used to put out there in the Old West a wanted poster. It said, Wanted: Dead or Alive." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. 2001. (Was Bush alive in the Old West, or did he see this on TV? I think I've spotted a serious rift between fantasy and reality.)
• "Arbolist … Look up the word. I don't know, maybe I made it up. Anyway, it's an arbo-tree-ist, somebody who knows about trees." —George W. Bush, quoted in USA Today, 2001. (I think the word maybe can be safely eliminated from this statement.)
• "I'm the commander — see, I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." —George W. Bush, quoted in Bob Woodward's "Bush at War". (Yes, but it's even more interesting when you do explain why you say things.)
• "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." —George W. Bush, Waco, Texas, 2002. (He spent that day back in the Old West pinning up “Most Wanted” posters of Osama Bin Laden.)
• "I always jest to people, the Oval Office is the kind of place where people stand outside, they're getting ready to come in and tell me what for, and they walk in and get overwhelmed in the atmosphere, and they say, man, you're looking pretty." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., 2004. (“…pretty”…Stupid, Mr. President.)
• "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —George W. Bush, Poplar Bluff, Mo., 2004. (Poor Laura.)
• "I can only speak to myself." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005. (Well, you certainly only make sense to yourself.)

Thank you Mr. President. You've been very helpful.

Your's Purringly,

W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)

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