The So-Called Science of Screaming Plants.

I don't mean to pick on the Germans, but I can't help it. More than half of the unusual scientific news I run across comes from there. This week is no exception.

Now, I realise that, to those in vegetable-loving circles, this is probably an old topic. However, to a cat who appreciates little more than the occasional nibble of an over-ripe cantaloupe, a shady place from which to stalk his hapless victims, or the uncanny evacuative effect of Spider Plants on hairballs, it's all an undiscovered country. So, if you've heard of it already, too bad; it's new to me, and this is my blog.

Apparently researchers at the Institute for Applied Physics at the University of Bonn, Germany, have developed microphones that "listen" to the screams of distressed plants. It's said that these instruments pick up on sound waves produced by gasses omitted by ailing annuals (or bi-annuls or perennials, even,) long before they show any physical indication of illness. Furthermore, Bonn University scientists claim that the more distressed the plant, the louder their "signal."

My more regular readers already know that I view most human scientific experimentation as an enormous waste of cold, hard capital that could otherwise go to the feeding and caring-for of their feline superiors. After reviewing this case slightly more in depth, however, I've come to accept that it bears some positive aspects. For starters, if these so-called scientists are able to detect disease in vegetables before it gets out of hand, it can be contained and prevented from spreading. Further, determining definitive stress levels for such substances will greatly reduce waste during transportation. To humans this may mean higher food yields at lower costs.

While it's true that human research is usually, at least from a feline purrspective, frivolous at best, the fact remains that humans need to eat. Yes, we must care for our servants kindly, otherwise they may fall prey to the ravages of ill health. Then who will feed and stroke us? Taking that on balance, I suppose "listening" to plants isn't an entirely ridiculous notion. Nevertheless, I can't help wondering what they'd hear were they to place their scientific microphones near a delicious stalk of catmint once I've got my gleaming-white fangs round its luxuriant, flowery throat.

Yours Purringly,

W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)




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