Mr. Fleez' Agony Session #8: The Language Terrier?

Dear Mr. Fleez,

I have a question about language. You are a cat, yet you supposedly speak English. Since you're so clever, why don't you teach "Cat" to humans? I think you're a pedigree charlatan and should be exposed for what you really are: Human.

Sincerely,

Mr. A. Doglover III



Mr. Doglover,

At the beginning of your letter, you stated that your query was about language. Initially I was hopeful, but after deciding that you had no legitimate question, I assumed that you were, in fact, trying to pick a fight. This wasn't a shock, and so I dropped you into the kill file with all the other pointless letters that daily litter my inbox. After all, in my line of work, receiving hate mail from overly sensitive, irascible, or flat out nasty people isn't uncommon. (It seems that boredom is a driving force within the internet community.) Normally I don't respond to such pointless and unfounded insults, but something about yours struck me as unusual. I couldn't quite put a claw on it, but something wasn't right.

My trash folder empties automatically every seven days, so I know that it couldn't have been a full week before I decided to dig your letter out of the rubble and take a more analytical look. This brief interval allowed me to read your letter as if it were new. Firstly, I must admit that I was mistaken. Your opening statement was true: Your question is regarding language. Furthermore, the answer is, as you suspected, no.

Allow me to explain: At the outset, you seem confident that I am a cat; however, later you recant this belief in favour of the sceptical suggestion that I am a human operating under the guise of felinity. Usually, this wouldn't have struck me as particularly remarkable; but reading between the lines is a skill I've acquired over the years, and it's just as useful today as it has been in times past.

Mr. Doglover, if that is your name, anyone with a brain knows that a question beginning with the words Since you're so clever is more a challenge than a question. This instance is no different. When you asked why I don't teach "Cat" to humans, you were actually throwing down the gauntlet in hopes that I would pick it up and offer you an internet correspondence course. You were dead certain that I'd deny the request should you ask outright, so instead you tried appealing to my sense of pride.

You should be ashamed of this ridiculous mind game, Mr. Doglover. It reveals your ignorance of the feline psyche and shows you for what you really are: A dog posing as a human in a brazen attempt to crack the Cat language and further the canine cause of subverting feline dominance. I have news for you: you've failed.







Yours Hissingly,

W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)








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