Mr. Fleez' Agony Session #11: Couple a Cat With Buttered Bread And All You'll Get is Hair in Your Brekky.

Dear Mr. Fleez,

A friend of mine told me that if you butter a piece of toast and drop it on the floor it will always land buttered side down. Then she said that if a cat falls from a height it will always land on its feet. But then she asked me what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast, buttered side up, onto the back of a cat, which one would be most likely to win out over the other. Since you are a cat, and you are a pretty clever cat, I thought I would ask you before giving my answer. What do you think would happen?

Sincerely, Cornfused.

Dear Cornfused,

This is one bit of truly pointless rhetoric. From a feline standpoint, the mere contemplation of it is an absolute waste of brainwaves. Nevertheless, since you were wise enough to consult a superior thinker, I'll attempt to answer you with as little outward contempt as possible.

I'd like to emphasise the importance of reason when solving such problems. There are various possible outcomes, and since man isn't the proposed subject of this pitiable experiment, nor does he fully understand the nature of felinity, there is no way he could reasonably cover each eventuality. A cat, however, is directly involved, so he is more likely to be able to tell you what will really happen in just such a situation.

Before testing this theory, you'd have to find a willing subject. This is a serious obstacle, because each cat has a different disposition. Some cats, usually ferals, but occasionally Domestic Shorthairs who lack social graces, will gouge out your eyes and bite your hands into lifeless nubs long before you've managed to get within arm's length. This will seriously hamper your toast-tying efforts, as you'll lack the visual ability needed to see where the cat has gone and the manual dexterity needed to grip him should you happen to locate him.

Some cats will allow you near enough to think you've got them before moving out of reach and flashing you the undersides of their tails. This is more common among Persians and Himalayans, but it sometimes occurs with the Siamese. If this happens to you, rest assured, you are being made fun of.

There are also some who may allow you to lay hold of them for their own personal amusement. It's usually the British Shorthairs, as they're more laid back by nature. (Not to mention they have a warped sense of humour.) Such ones may even allow you to get your toast against them and the string almost tied before they turn into a bag of cat-jelly and slide from your grip. This is a technique cats sometimes use to annoy humans. If you find yourself wrestling to keep a furry sack of cat-jelly in your lap, I suggest you save yourself the frustration and let it go.

I suppose that somewhere there is a cat who'd willingly take part in this foolish affair. After all, if the fall isn't from a great height, what would be so bad about having a slice of warm, buttery bread strapped to you? If nothing else, you'd at least get a good licker-full of dairy fat in the end. Nonetheless, if you really want to know which would win out, bread, buttered-side up, or cat, feet on the floor, I'll tell you: A cat is more likely to land on its feet and then turn to lick the butter from the bread than it is to land completely on its back just because there's a bit of buttered bread Velcroed to it. Worst-case scenario: Cat gets distracted by buttery goodness and lands on its side.

Factually speaking, Cornfused, a cat doesn't always land on his feet. We have a superb sense of balance, and are therefore able to level ourselves out much of the time. This balancing act is where that myth originated. Even so, the only way a cat will land flat on his back is if he has lost control over his muscles. Furthermore, buttered bread doesn't always land buttered side down. Because the buttered side is technically weightier, and therefore has better odds for landing on it, people have cited it as one of Sod's many laws. Still, that doesn't make it foolproof. Now, I know it's difficult for you, or really any human, to rationalize or comprehend, but for the sake of your own inner peace, give it a go. Re-read this article if you must. Do whatever it takes to put an end to such pointless rhetoric. As you can see, there aren't really any unanswerable questions, only those which should remain unasked.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)



READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

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