Mr. Fleez' Agony Session #14: To Feed or Not to Feed?

Dear Mr. Fleez,

My kitty had a little bit of a weight problem, now she's thinner but she has a bag! My sister calls her "Bags" instead of her real name. Annie (the cat) is used to get treats whenever she wants how can I stop her from begging everyone that she sees for treats? Please help me with my dilemma!

Sincerely,
WAR (Berkley, MI, USA)


Dear WAR,

I found your question somewhat pointless. The answer is self-evident: If you don’t wish your feline superior to beg for treats, then hand them out freely and often. It’s possible that this would also be the solution to the “Bags” issue, as she would soon balloon out into the monstrous moggy she once was, thus reoccupying all of her sagging skin.

Of course, there are downsides to this remedy. Firstly, as a flabby feline she will run the risk of heart disease and diabetes. Such ailments can cause great pain and suffering for her. Weight related heart disease can kill a kitty suddenly, while diabetes can slowly drain her of her vital force, damaging her heart, liver, and kidneys in the process. It can also cause poor eye sight and urinary disorders.

Another problem that commonly occurs in tubby tabbies is feline arthritis. A lean and muscular moggy loves to play, leap onto things, and generally wreak havoc. She is agile and surpasses in grace even the most talented of human acrobats. A corpulent cat, on the other paw, will eventually develop stiffness in her joints, and her feet may become sore and tender. Rather than gracefully leaping, running and playing, she’s more likely to lie about between meals, adding more sag to her already swollen bag.

I suppose if you really want her to stop begging, there are ways to accomplish it. My self-proclaimed owner often tells me to scat or go, which I assume means she wants me out of the kitchen. I never listen, though, and in the end she usually spritzes me with a water pistol to get me out from under her feet. (Shaking a paw at the very thought.) She thinks I don’t know it’s coming from her, but I’m not as stupid as she thinks me. Nevertheless, the truth of the matter is this: If your Ms. Moggy wants a treat, she’s going to ask for one. If you wanted a treat you’d ask, would you not? It may not guarantee that you get one, but you’d have at least given it a shot. Likewise, just because she asks doesn’t mean she really expects you to cave. Maybe after a bit of wasted whinging she’ll get bored with you and find a grasshopper to victimise.

Ultimately you’ll have to decide whether you’re willing to suffer the lies, treachery, and deceit meted out by your moggy in her search for snacks or if you’ll give in and take pity. Bear in mind, however, that even if your feline friend eventually returns to her former state, there’s a good chance your sister will still call her “Bags”. After all, her bag will still be around, it’ll just be fuller and more noticeable.

Yours Purringly
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)



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