Mr. Fleez' Agony Session #13: A Brush With Death.

Dear Mr. Fleez,

My kitty has bad breath. I have tried feeding him special treats, but for them to do any good I have to feed him a boat load, and I don’t want him to get fat. I spoke to his vet about it, and she says I should brush his teeth after he eats and then feed him a few of the treats to help keep the tartar under control. Since you are a cat I thought I would ask you first before taking her advice. What do you think about having your teeth brushed?

Sincerely,
S.H. – Michigan, USA


Dear S.H.

When I read your letter, the first question that sprung to mind was why: Why is it such a bad thing to feed your feline superior a boat load of treats? Feeding the occasional few is okay, but a boat load sounds fantastic! I’m not exactly certain what constitutes a boat load, but that’s one topic I’m willing to research!

As for what your vet says, well, I suppose that, in a technical sense, she is correct. Brushing a cat’s teeth after a meal will remove odour-causing food particles that lodge themselves up around the gum line, above the back teeth. The trouble with this, however, is that these particles are often replaced by bits of shredded plastic, rubberised bristles, or human flesh, as cats aren’t particularly fond of having some breath-obsessed human lunging a toothbrush or finger cot into their mouth, regardless of intent.

There are other risks to feline teeth-brushing that one must consider. Firstly, there are claws with which to contend: 18 of them to be precise. (That figure is barring the polydactyl or de-clawed equations, which could make a world of difference to he who brandishes the brush.) Claws are wonderful things, provided you leave us to our contentment. Otherwise, prepare to feel the searing heat of a cat welding itself to your hand, arm, or any other accessible bit, by means of nature's most adherent form of solder. If you’ve never had to detach a cat from yourself or another, I assure you, it isn’t pretty.

Another risk exists in the mouth itself. We felines have the most perfect set of mangling gnashers that God has ever created. We can break the neck of a bird or mouse within seconds if we so choose. Remember, your fingers are just the right size for mutilation, and if you get too close to moggy’s mouth when he feels threatened, he’ll be all too happy to practice his death crunch on one of your offending digits.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t brush your feline farther-up’s teeth. If his breath is as bad as you say, he’s probably not thrilled with it either. Remember, though, sometimes brushing won’t help any more than will a boat load of dental treats (which still sounds infinitely better to my ears.) There may be digestive issues involved, or, worse still, a hidden illness. If his breath doesn’t improve with brushing and dental treats, you may need to revaluate his diet, or even (phht!) take him back to the (phhhhttt! phhhhhhhhttt!) vet.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for – phhht – short.)


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