Infomercial Improvement.

I know I’m not the first to point out the exceptional amount of rubbish being aired on television. In fact, if you channel surf long enough, you’re likely to find multiple instances of bloated, ruddy-faced sociologists droning on about the indisputable link between mindless programming and the decline of civilisation. Still, like any cat worth his claws, I can’t help taking a swipe at such an easy target.

Fortunately, my self-proclaimed owner doesn’t over indulge in the endless menu of available programming. She sticks to educational stuff. You know, shows that teach terrorists how to blow up nuclear reactors with a Mini Cooper full pig manure and murders how to clean up a crime scene before the police arrive. It’s mostly interesting, but I prefer infomercials.

Infomercials expose viewers to some of the most pointless information they’ll ever encounter. Teeming with loaded statements, convoluted explanations, unrealistic demonstrations, and, best of all, precisely edited, highly censored “consumer” testimonials, you couldn’t buy a better example of shameless capitalism in an airport café for Muslims with allergies. They’re a pathetic epithet for man's misguided dreams of material utopia, and, to add insult to injury, you’ll never win a game show with the surfeit of useless minutiae left rattling about in your brain after an half-hour’s worth of some former-boxer-gone-nutritional-guru turning an average pound of artery-clogging bacon into a healthy and tasty treat.

I don’t really know what attracts humans to the bait of material propaganda, but I know what attracts me: Pure, unadulterated snobbery. Yes, I do love that high-and-mighty, down-the-nose, shake-of-the-paw-twitch-of-the-tail feeling that infomercials stir within me. Few things so clearly depict the superiority of cat over man as a whopping-great idiot blabbing on about how to squeeze an entire orange into a healthful drink, peel, pesticides, paraffin and all! Next to political speeches, infomercials are the best programming available for building the feline ego.

Then, I suppose they wouldn’t be so bad were they not dominated by adverts pandering to the selfish wants of object-obsessed bipeds. I think they should be obligated to share air-time with those promoting products that reflect the true needs of society. Cat condos, feline fountains that circulate and oxygenate drinking water, vet-free medications, and remote powered mice are but a few possibilities. What about heated, fully detached dog houses, bark collars, and dog whistles? Sensible products for a sensible market; products one won’t regret buying a week after delivery.

Where are the half-hour-long specials offering simulated bacon, chicken snaps, and liver paste? When will we see a panel of picky pusses lapping the liquid of freshly juiced Lamprey? Where are the Burly Maine Coons demonstrating Kung Mew to a group of bony Burmese who are ready to put a halt to terrier terror?

It’s amazing how much time and money goes into selling senseless scrap to credulous consumers. I can’t imagine what limitless good might be accomplished with but a tenth of it.


Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)




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