Mr. Fleez' Agony Session #16: The Science of Subjugation.

Dear Mr. Fleez,

It took me many pains to sneak away and write this. I am a 5 year old black and white kitty whom my mommy just adores. However I get into alot of trouble with my attention getting antics. Usually at 1 am. I knock thing off high places (the normally break) to wake mommy up to either feed me and my siblings or to play with me. But I wind up getting squirted with water. Is there a better way? Also how can I get her to stop calling me "babyguy"....its afull. I have a manly name, and I am, after all 5!

Any help would me great.

Yours truly,
Trouble in the city.


Dear Trouble,

I'll never understand how a superior feline can call an inferior human "mommy". I realise that this individual feeds and entertains you, but let's not blur the line between serving and nurturing. When you allow a human to believe that it wields parental authority, it will use it against you. This abuse of perceived authority is the direct cause of your naming issues. If you reinforce your human's motherly delusions, she will continue to call you her "babyguy". That's just the way people are.

Your attention-getting tactics are an altogether different matter. I can relate heavily to the squirt-bottles and screeching, as I have received such punishments myself. I must admit, on occasion I still get the squirt botttle, but I've wised up on my methods and have thus lessened the overall frequency. I suggest you do the same.

We will begin with dropping things. This tactic almost always backfires. When you are dropping things from a height, you present and actual danger to yourself, your self-proclaimed owner, or one of your fellow prisoners. This is not tolerable to humans and therefore elicits immediate, no-questions-asked retribution. In short, if something falls, you're going down with it. Furthermore, it isn't reasonable to expect co-operation from one who's only memento of their final visit to Great-Great-Grand's house was just destroyed at the paw of he who wishes to be fed. A more realistic outcome is that that you'll be forcibly removed from whichever shelf you're vandalising and thoughtlessly tossed into a bathroom or broom closet. It doesn't take a feline Einstein to see that unless the kibble bag is kept in the human's closet of choice, dropping things is not in your best interest.

Now that we've established the least constructive way of waking a human, let's discuss the most efficient alternatives. When polled, the majority of felines agreed that the best way to wake a human is by employing a combination of annoying little things that she initially believes can be ignored. A consistent fifteen-minute rotation of laps ran over the head, newspaper or paper bag smoothing, loosely hung door beating, and bursts of bounding about like an unrestrained maniac is the most effective programme available. This routine allows your human to build up to a level of annoyance rather than reaching her limit all at once. It also gives you the exercise needed to keep your bowels functioning at prime so you can can complete the human-waking scheme. Yes, if your fifteen-minute rotation of annoyance doesn't have her out of bed, it'll keep her in the semi-conscious state required to appreciate the full impact of your piece de resistance: The sandbox bomb. If that doesn't get her out of bed, dropping that trophy onto her head three weeks in a row has probably damaged her olfactory sensors. Your starvation is eminent, and you've no one but yourself to blame.


Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)


READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.