25.10.05

Mr. Humphries' Agony Session #3

Dear Mr. Fleez,

I work full time to support my wife who attends university in Wallongong. She is training to become an opera singer, and she is away from home much of the time. She's the love of my life and I can't imagine life without her. The trouble is Music. Modern music is ok most of the time, but she listens to maddening stuff. I can't get away from it. If it's not some kind of symphony, which is bad enough, it's some horrible opera. I know that she's learning to sing and all, and I don't want to take the mickey out of her or anything, but it makes me nuts. Music is supposed to sooth the savage beast, so why does it annoy me so badly?

Cordially,
A. Salieri sympathiser, NSW Australia.




Dear Sympathiser,

Your question interested me greatly. Firstly, because you are from New South Wales, Australia, which apparently houses ninety percent of my question-asking readers, and secondly because your wife, though belonging to a class of highly tasteful and sophisticated humans, married an earless, chav, yobbo such as yourself. It doesn't surprise me that music doesn't soothe your breast, my dear pitiable man. The truth is that music wasn't designed to soothe as most people mistakenly think; it was designed to move.

Whether you like it or not, most modern forms of music, not excluding rap, have their foundations in the very symphonies and operas you so dread. There aren't many contemporary musicians who haven't had some kind of symphonic influence in their backgrounds, even if indirectly.

Many of the more popular bands from the early to mid twentieth century were admired for their blend of voice and instrumentals. These basic principles are carry-overs from the more complex forms of music that preceded them. Swing and Jazz are two of the more modern musical genres having a foot firmly in the Renaissance past. If you look at the workings of the big bands or jazz club orchestras you're sure to see it. Strings, brass, woodwinds, vocals, they're all there; add a lady in a flashy dress and you can't miss the connection. Now, fast-forward to the sixties and seventies and have a look at groups such as The Beatles, Jethro Tull, and Led Zeppelin. All of these groups have produced undisputed masterpieces with the aide and employ of symphonics. They've also had an indisputable influence on music today. (If you don't buy the connection, just think of Puff Daddy's Kashmir/Come With Me, a rap version of Led Zeppelin's Kashmir.)

In spite of all the obvious links connecting past to present, the reason classical music annoys you is likely an amalgam of ear, taste, social prejudice, and patience. If you are into more lyrical forms of music, the fact that the classics are either wordless, operatic in nature, or written in a foreign language will be a definite roadblock to pleasure. Furthermore, if you don't have a discerning ear, sifting through many sounds at once may be problematic. In short, the very complexity of classical music may be beyond you. Ultimately, however, social prejudice and patience are more likely the culpable factors.

In many social circles, it isn't 'cool' to appreciate fine music. You, being a working-class male who, I assume, is between twenty-five and thirty years of age, aren't likely to have an overly forgiving social unit. If one of the fellahs finds out you're listening to the Queen of the Night aria on purpose, you aren't likely to live it down anytime soon. It's more likely that you'll be branded a geezer and made the brunt of many verbal stings. This puts a predetermined spin on the classical genres, making them annoying simply because you don't want to like them.

Furthermore, if you already spend a good deal of time bombarded by television, radio, or other forms of mass media, classical music may require too much concentration and imagination. When classical music was considered contemporary, there was no television or radio. Not a lot of people had access to books, and, aside from taking in a play, the closest thing to going to the cinima would have been a night at the opera. Whether doled out to the masses vaudeville-style or privately presented to royalty, music in an opera house or concert hall was the height of stimulus. It wasn't something that could be had by anyone at any time just by flipping a switch or pressing a button. It was a complex blend of instruments, tempo variations, emotional voice, and powerful vibrations entering the uncorrupted ear and creating an experience.

That having been said, my only piece of advice for you would be to spend less time on the sofa watching footy and spend more time popping in on your wife's classes. With a clear, open mind and a little bit of patience, you may discover the beauty of classical music. Doing so may even strengthen the relationship you so clearly wish to preserve.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)


READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.


akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lazers, Treats.

15.10.05

A Day in the Life of a Sophisticated Housecat. Part I: The Morning

To the sophisticated housecat, preparing for one's day requires more than opening the eyes, rising and going about your business. Several steps are required to achieve a level of majesty befitting our noble heritage. If even one of these requirements isn't met, the result can be disastrous. In this three part pictorial, I will guide you through a typical day in the life of a sophisticated housecat. By the end, I'm confident that anyone reading, whether human or otherwise, will appreciate the skill and dedication needed to achieve the ultimate feline finesse.



After waking and crawling from their comfy cave, the first thing on the agenda of any sophisticated housecat will be checking the weather. Even if they've never actually been outdoors, the position of the sun is extremely important. If the sun is shining, the sophisticated housecat will loiter about in the windowsill for a time before moving on with his day.



Breakfast is the key to a happy healthy lifestyle. It is no secret that the average housecat employs a selective palate; this is truer for the sophisticated kitty. Only the finest quality food will be eaten. Anything else is subject to spurning and serious gastrointestinal disruption. Quality, though very important, is not the only factor considered when dealing with le chic chat. There are many fine quality dog foods on the market; but even the average feline will prefer almost anything to dog food, and it isn't good for a kitty's kidneys anyway.



Exercise is another necessity to the health and well being of the sophisticated housecat. It is vital for many of our mundane functions. Without exercise our coats will dull, our bodies will grow frail or flabby, and our personal evacuations will become scanty and infrequent. Without exercise there would be an abundance of chronically bloated, overweight housecats, all suffering excruciating constipation; and if you think a human can be cranky, you've never seen a bloated Burmese with a bowel blockage before.




Of course, as important as exercise is, one should never undertake their athletic routine without properly stretching the musculature. Limbering up, though, isn't always an easy task. It takes much discipline and training to achieve the difficult positions required to fully prepare the feline body for extended physical exertion.



After a peek outside, a bite to eat, and a rigorous workout, there are only a couple of things left on the moggy's morning agenda. A visit to the sandbox is a welcome activity, and the humans also appreciate it. They are almost always in need of something to do once they've finished their coffee and Danish, and what better than to scrape the sandbox for their treasured masters? Furthermore, evacuating the bowels after exercise expels the toxins and releases the tension that can often hinder a cat's ability to competently perform the final, most anticipated endeavour of the feline regimen: Napping.



Napping is likely the most important activity any housecat performs. A housecat deprived of his morning nap will become a dastardly creature, far worse than any human deprived of their morning cup of coffee. Waking a cat in the middle of his nap is a fool's errand, as it runs the risk of sudden clawing, biting, or unpleasant hissing. When a housecat sleeps he is rejuvenating his vital force, building needed energies for his afternoon activities. While sleeping housecats may look extremely cute and squeezable, remember, waking one can be very hazardous to your health.


This concludes Part One of A Day in the Life of a Sophisticated Housecat. Part Two, the Afternoon, will appear on November First. Next week, however, is the agony edition of Housecat Wisdom, where I will endeavour to answer your questions with as much tact and sensitivity as a cat can muster; and, trust me, given the circumstance, that isn't always easy.




READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.


akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lazers, Treats.

11.10.05

Mr. Humphries' Agony Session #2

Dear Mr. Fleez,

I was wondering how your "owner" feels about you giving advice to humans? It must take up a lot of your nap time, is it really worth the trouble?

Yours truly,
Just wondering, Michigan USA


Dear Wondering,

I appreciate your concern for my nap time, as advising does cut heavily into my schedule; however, my self-proclaimed owner doesn't enter into the picture. You, as a housecat, no doubt appreciate the ease with which humans are manipulated by individuals of the feline persuasion. All I need do is act rowdy and obnoxious for a few hours, and before long I'm tossed into the office with full access to PC and Internet. If I have an idea for an article, if I need to check my e-mail, or if I just get the urge to log on to the Cat Fanciers website, I simply leap up onto the counter while she's cooking something tasty, and I'm in like Flynn. No trouble at all! As long as I'm quiet, she's content to leave me alone, and when I'm done, I just beat on the door and meow incessantly until she's sick at the sound of me. It works out like a dream.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)


Dear Mr. Fleez,

Why do cats hate water? Y'all gotta drink it so why not swim and stuff too?
Beachcomber - Cali USA


Dear Beachcomber,

Not all cats have a morbid fear of water. I personally have no trouble tipping over my self-proclaimed owner's water glass in order that I may wash my feet. In fact, I often queue for the shower, as there is usually water sufficient for washing my feet and tail when she's finished.

On a grander scale, however, there are some breeds that are more water-welcoming. A superb example would be the Maine Coon. With strong forelegs and webbed paws, they're as conducive to water as a fluffy flotation device.

So, Beachcomber, the next time someone tries to tell you that all cats fear water, just point them to a Maine Coon breeder directory; they'll be sure to find plenty of soggy moggy photos therein.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)


READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lazers, Treats.

4.10.05

A Cat's-Eye View on Government.

Humans have spent centuries organising various law codes by which to govern themselves, and so far they've done well, provided you consider avoiding extinction an accomplishment. Then, when looking honestly at the record of human relations, it's easy to see a striking trend in such governments: Good intentions, organisation, oppression, reformation, revolution, good intentions, and so on. It's no wonder that they haven't worked. After all, they're run by humans.

Society should give cats a go at the reins for a while; we're more than qualified. We've been around for thousands of years in spite of countless anti-cat propaganda campaigns. We are intelligent, insightful, and we know that there is more wisdom in victimising grasshoppers than each other. These are only a few of the many positive virtues felis domesticus holds over the average human politician, so why aren't we ruling the world? I believe the answer lies in the flushing toilet. Humans cling dogmatically to the use of so-called modern facilities. However, if you could pinpoint the quality found most lacking in human officials, it'd likely be humility. (And, trust me, there's no way to maintain a static level of pride when you have to scrape around in a sandbox for fifteen minutes prior to evacuating your bowels.) We cats are humble in excess when compared to the ridiculous pride displayed by the self-professed rulers of the world. Though, with the way politicians sling dirt these days, the sandbox isn't exactly practical, is it?

Perhaps the flushable toilet isn't the seat of all mankind's woes; pride, on the other paw, isn't so easily exonerated. Excessive pride is probably the most damaging element in the world today, and humans are famous for it. Now, couple that with a conspicuous lack of scruples and you have a society full of envy, strife, deceit, selfishness, and contention. Sound familiar?

I've learned a couple of things from this brief consideration of human civilisation: Firstly, I actually appreciate not having to share my sandbox with a filthy human. Furthermore, you can't legislate morality. If you could, malicious stupidity would be something found only in history books.



READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.


akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lazers, Treats.