Mr. Fleez' Agony Session #10: Suggestions for the Sleepless.

Dear Mr. Fleez,

I lay in bed at night thinking about things that happened years ago. These things have no impact on my life now, but I still bash myself over them. What can I do to settle my mind and rest at night?

Yours Purringly,

Restless.


Dear Restless,

Firstly, I'd like to assure you that you're not alone. What you've described is something that many humans experience. It's often accompanied by a sense of helplessness, excessive (and generally unrealistic) feelings of guilt, or a lack of confidence in one's self. Such disruptive, negative thinking is indicative of depression, and in some cases can be symptomatic of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Bipolar Disorder.

Since I'm a housecat and not a psychiatrist, I can't counsel you on how to diagnose or treat depression or other mental illnesses. If your problem is serious and persistent, you should seek professional advice soon. Nevertheless, if there's one area in which cats excel, it's sleep. Therefore, as a feline, I'm well within my rights to offer a few pointers on getting a better night's sleep, which, in turn, may help you in the long run.

• Get on a schedule. Sleeping and waking at the same time each day will help your mind and body recognise when it's time to stop and rest. Unfortunately, this means no sleeping in on days off, as it disrupts a body's schedule. (It may also cause tardiness in feline feedings, therefore subjecting you to a chomp on the toe, which is of itself disruptive to sleep.)
• Relaxing before bed is always a good idea. This means putting away the video games and turning off the TV. Contrary to human belief, playing video games or watching the television are not prime relaxation activities. They are designed to stimulate the mind, not relax it. Engaging in stimulating activities before bed is likely to keep you awake.
• Exercise daily, but not before bed. It's a fact that those who live a sedentary life have more difficulty sleeping. Beginning an exercise routine can help you burn off excess energy and manage stress, but if you're active too late in the day, it may be difficult to unwind by bedtime.
• Don't lie about awake. If you can't sleep, don't toss around worrying or rehashing old mistakes, failures, or wounds. Read a book (page turners aren't recommended,) start a journal, or engage in another relaxing activity until you feel tired enough to sleep.
• Of course, this one may seem a rather pointless tip, but it's one that humans often overlook: Go to bed. When you are tired, don't keep working, watching, or playing. When your body says it's time to sleep, go to bed. Working through or fighting against your sleepiness may cause you to become wakeful, wired, or in more sever situations, manic. Once you've reached your so-called second wind you're less likely to fall asleep. Moreover, going to bed later will disrupt your schedule and cause a recurrence of sleeplessness.

Remember, Restless, no one suggestion will magically cure insomnia. A good sleep routine is something that must be worked at. It's highly individualised, and in some cases may require one to seek professional advice. Whatever your situation, however, sleep is vital, and the lack of it should not be looked on lightly.

Yours Purringly,

W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)

READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

History is in The Eye of The Beholder.

From a cat's perspective, human history is a vast blanket of violence, bigotry, and bloodshed. There isn't much to be said for mankind other than they've managed to destroy just about everything with which they've come in contact. Speaking for myself, I don't understand what motivates a person to become an historian. Yes, yes, I know what your thinking: "Wilberforce, don't you realise that he who forgets history is doomed to repeat it?" But if that's so, why do people continue to repeat the same old offences in spite of the existence of text books and scholars? Perhaps it's because humans are more concerned with the events that have affected them personally than they are those which affected their forefathers.

What about you? What would you rate as the most significant event of the past one hundred years? Would it be the outbreak of a major war, the death of a famous celebrity, or a natural disaster claiming thousands of lives? What if we broke it down into specifics? Perhaps the most significant event worldwide or in the country, state, or city in which you live? However you chop it up, most people rank history according to its personal impact.

Just as an example, an article in The Times cited one poll, conducted by The History Channel, which ranked the death of Princess Diana as the most significant event in the past century of British History. I wonder if Douglas Haig would agree had he been alive in 2002. (If you don't know who Douglas Haig is, don't fret; there are a great deal of college graduates who are right there beside you. Furthermore, if you scroll down a bit, you can Google him and be an expert in no time.) I find it rather interesting that this same article also states: "A survey of more than 1,000 people undertaken on behalf of The History Channel found that, for most people, history is largely a matter of what they have seen most recently on television."

Now, I know that I oughtn't categorically disregard all humans as shallow, media-made zombies. Many are genuinely interested in the welfare of their species, and were it not for the prominence of those who are more interested in the welfare of themselves, they may actually make a difference. However, until there is a shift in the balance of selfless versus selfish, I fear man will continue to dominate man to his own injury.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)



READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.


akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lasers, Treats.

Mr. Fleez' Agony Session # 9: A Friend In Need is a Pest Indeed.

Dear Mr. Fleez,

I've been looking for a flatmate for a while. I've got one friend who's always wanting to move in with me, but on top of being an unreliable git, he's also an utter slob. In fact, I'm only his friend at all because I'm afraid that he'll get vicious if I tell him to sod off and die. What do you suggest I do? He's pestering me daily since his mum told him he had a month to get out, and I don't want him here.

Yours Groaningly,

Annoyed.


Dear Annoyed,

While reading your query, a few things caught my ever-critical eye. Firstly, you plainly claim that you've been actively seeking a flatmate for a while; secondly, you fail to mention why you've not yet found one; and thirdly, you are quick to explain why your unreliable, gittish, slob of a mate simply won't do. I find these things interesting, as they all lead me to the heart of the problem: You are human.

I'd like to address each of these specifics one by one, beginning with your diligent, albeit fruitless, search for a flatmate. Annoyed, have you honestly made an extensive search? Have you placed adverts, asked trustworthy friends, family members, or reliable co-workers if they or someone they know may be looking for such arrangements? Have you been specific about your expectations, and are they realistic? Determine your boundaries, how important or necessary finding a flatmate is to you, and if you are willing to risk sharing your living space with someone with whom you are not intimately acquainted. These are things you must carefully evaluate if your search is to be successful.

This brings us to the second issue at paw: Have you ever wondered what there is about you that may be hindering your efforts to find a suitable co-occupant? Most humans balk when asked about their own imperfections, but they all have them; you are not an exception to this rule. Try looking first at your own deficiencies before picking apart those of others. Once you've done that, it may be easier to compromise on some less crucial aspects of mutual tenancy.

Finally, although it is definitely wise to avoid entering into any sort of dwelling arrangement with someone who is unreliable, gittish, and slovenly, I'd be concerned with your reason for continuing such a friendship at all. Were you feline you wouldn't allow fear to dictate any personal action, and therefore the solution would be clear to you. Because you are human, however, fear trumps reason, and you're stuck with the losing hand common to mankind, namely dithering uncertainty.

Remaining in an emotionally unprofitable relationship helps neither party grow into respectable members of civilised society. If one is allowed to walk over others without consequence, he will do so indefinitely. If anyone gives you reason to fear physical, mental, or emotional aggression, he is not your friend, and you are under no obligation to continue a relationship with him.

I sincerely hope that you find an amicable resolution to this untidy circumstance. Nevertheless, please remember that there are many ways to safely distance yourself from vicious persons, and you should do so even if it means taking legal advice. Further, it is unwise to end such relationships in private or secluded places, nor are you under any compulsion to do so face to face. Violent people are not deserving of such respect, no matter what they'd have you think.

Yours Purringly,

W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)



READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

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For The Love of Bullying & Intimidation.

I confess, as a cat there are a few things about humans that I will never fully understand. For instance, I have a hard time getting my tremendously adorable, prickly whiskered head around the concept of extreme activism. I realise there are a good deal of evil people out there, looking to steal the coat off some poor, defenceless seal pup's back, but when does activism end and fanaticism begin? Or, to put a finer point on it, when do good intentions yield place to self-righteous condescension?

This curiosity emerged while listening to a commentary questioning the political correctness of wearing a fur coat that had been handed down from one generation to the next. It intrigues me that wearing fur is even considered an issue. After all, I've been wearing it my entire life, and not once have I been splashed with paint by young extremists, groping for attention. Nevertheless, fur is an issue, and a rather nasty one at that.

Bear in mind that my problem is not with the anti-fur campaign as a whole, but rather with the individual who feels he is justified in the destruction of another's property as a means furthering his point. If someone wants to drop multi-coloured dye on seal pups to keep poachers from whacking them with boards and stealing their coats, I'm all for that. I guess the worst thing to come of it would be an upsurge of males called Sid and females called Nancy. However, when it comes to rushing up to strangers on the street, splashing them over with red paint and yelling crude political slogans, I start to question motives. Such actions are less likely to produce positive results and more likely to promote retaliation from extremists on the opposite end of the spectrum, so why engage in them at all? Is it really to further the cause and heighten awareness, or is it to bully and intimidate behind the guise of a admirable cause?

I suppose I lack understanding because we cats have no need to hide our love of bullying and intimidation. Without them our self-proclaimed owners might forget who's really the head and start thinking they can sleep in past breakfast time. Now that would be a true tragedy. Then, we also have no reason to exalt ourselves over others. Perhaps if humans were as secure as their feline betters they wouldn't need to hide their love of power and attention behind a noble façade.

Yours Purringly,

W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)



READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lasers, Treats.

Mr. Fleez' Agony Session #8: The Language Terrier?

Dear Mr. Fleez,

I have a question about language. You are a cat, yet you supposedly speak English. Since you're so clever, why don't you teach "Cat" to humans? I think you're a pedigree charlatan and should be exposed for what you really are: Human.

Sincerely,

Mr. A. Doglover III



Mr. Doglover,

At the beginning of your letter, you stated that your query was about language. Initially I was hopeful, but after deciding that you had no legitimate question, I assumed that you were, in fact, trying to pick a fight. This wasn't a shock, and so I dropped you into the kill file with all the other pointless letters that daily litter my inbox. After all, in my line of work, receiving hate mail from overly sensitive, irascible, or flat out nasty people isn't uncommon. (It seems that boredom is a driving force within the internet community.) Normally I don't respond to such pointless and unfounded insults, but something about yours struck me as unusual. I couldn't quite put a claw on it, but something wasn't right.

My trash folder empties automatically every seven days, so I know that it couldn't have been a full week before I decided to dig your letter out of the rubble and take a more analytical look. This brief interval allowed me to read your letter as if it were new. Firstly, I must admit that I was mistaken. Your opening statement was true: Your question is regarding language. Furthermore, the answer is, as you suspected, no.

Allow me to explain: At the outset, you seem confident that I am a cat; however, later you recant this belief in favour of the sceptical suggestion that I am a human operating under the guise of felinity. Usually, this wouldn't have struck me as particularly remarkable; but reading between the lines is a skill I've acquired over the years, and it's just as useful today as it has been in times past.

Mr. Doglover, if that is your name, anyone with a brain knows that a question beginning with the words Since you're so clever is more a challenge than a question. This instance is no different. When you asked why I don't teach "Cat" to humans, you were actually throwing down the gauntlet in hopes that I would pick it up and offer you an internet correspondence course. You were dead certain that I'd deny the request should you ask outright, so instead you tried appealing to my sense of pride.

You should be ashamed of this ridiculous mind game, Mr. Doglover. It reveals your ignorance of the feline psyche and shows you for what you really are: A dog posing as a human in a brazen attempt to crack the Cat language and further the canine cause of subverting feline dominance. I have news for you: you've failed.







Yours Hissingly,

W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)








READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please enquirie to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.


*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.


akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lazers, Treats.