The Inevitability of Change.

Just two weeks longer, and I'll have been offering readers my purrspective, reasoning, and personal advice for one full year! More than that, if you consider those editions of HCW prior to the institution of the Agony Session. It's been a long year, sifting through piles of e-mail, deciding what does and doesn't interest me. Now my tastes are changing, and as much as I'd like to continue the agony sessions, I think it's time for something new. They're too regular; too constricting. I don't mind answering questions, but twice monthly is getting tedious. I'm a cat; I like having the freedom to do as I please and to write about whatever strikes my fancy. For this reason I've decided to end the agony session.

Now, before you get all bent out of shape and start begging me to keep it going, bear in mind that I'll still answer questions, only not quite as regularly. Purrhaps once monthly, or when I get a really good one that begs a reply. There's been too many times when I wanted to write something else but have been boxed in by the obligatory question and answer format. Yes, it's time for a change. In fact, I think it's time for a lot of changes.

I suppose this is as good a time as any for me to thank all of you who've been reading me faithfully over the past year. I love to hear from you, and I appreciate your comments and e-mails. Still, I think it's only fair that I warn you of the inevitable: Housecat Wisdom will be changing. Hopefully you will like the changes, and hopefully they will encourage you to visit more than once weekly. Some of the changes that I am thinking of are as follows:

• Feature stories from Reuters, AP, BBC, & AFP
• Weather update availability
• Access to daily comics
• Access to stock reports
• Sport
• A Google search box
• My current FleeBay listings
• This day in history
• Word of the day
• Purrhaps a weekly crossword puzzle
• Your suggestion here

It's my hope that by making these modifications, Housecat Wisdom will become not just a weekly column, but an excellent homepage for any level-headed cat-lover who prides himself on keeping two paws in the real world and the other two in fantasy. A feline-minded hub to the world-wide-web.

These changes will be taking place gradually over the next few weeks, starting now. You may notice some differences immediately or not. I guess that depends on how much time I have before my self-proclaimed owner wakes. (Remember, I have to vacate the office frequently in order to evade detection, so this process may take some time.) Any suggestions you may have for what you'd like to see on HCW are welcome. Send them along via comment, or e-mail them to housecatwisdom@gmail.com.

Feel free to check in from time to time, and offer feedback. If enough of you hate a certain feature, I may decide to change it. I do hope that you'll continue enjoying Housecat Wisdom for as long as I decide to maintain it.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)

Mr. Fleez' Agony Session #24: Bonsai Cats?

Dear Mr. Fleez,

My cousin just came back from New York, and she says there are some Japanese people there who sell something called "Bonsai Cats" that are just a cat grown into a jar. Do you know if this is true? If it is it's evil. Who would do this to any living animal?

Sincerely,
Concerned.


Dear Concerned,

I'm not surprised that this tasteless little debacle has found its way to my desk. In fact, I'm more surprised that it's taken so long. I've been at this column for the better part of a year, and not once have I been asked about this pathetic speck of claptrap. Truthfully speaking, I was hoping I never would be; but here it is, and I'll begrudgingly address it.

I'd like to start by setting your mind at ease: There are no "Bonsai Kittens". No one is stuffing kittens into jars and controlling their growth. This twisted idea is the brainchild (or rather the emptyspacechild) of a tasteless engineer-type at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, USA. Apparently, unlike many of his fellow alumni, this individual lacked the creativity to contrive anything genuinely noteworthy, so instead the unimaginative little fetor burped up the next best thing: Shock.

The Princeton Wordnet dictionary defines shock as:

1. v. To surprise greatly.
2. v. To strike with disgust or revulsion.
3. v. To strike with horror or terror.
4. v. To traumatize or inflict a trauma upon [another].

The Mr. Fleez' purrsonal dictionary defines shock as:

1. n. Ideas or material presented with the intent of attracting mass attention while expending as little creative effort as possible.
2. n. Ideas or material produced with a selfish motive; lacking concern for members of one's own species or the species of another.
3. n. Ideas or material that deliberately incite anxiety, hostility, and rage.

Shock, in the noun sense, is sweeping so-called civilized society, disguised as harmless entertainment. On the web alone, porn, violence, gore, and cruelty are invited into the homes of countless people, attempting to tickle the jaded senses of their media-battered minds. Even humor has lost its value, as many tapped-out writers and comedians resort to shock as a means of impressing an increasingly dissatisfied audience. As a result, many suffer from self-inflicted psychological damage that carries over into their daily activities, affecting their moods, habits, and social interactions. Overexposure to violence, cruelty, and otherwise extraordinary behaviors, desensitizes the observer to less spectacular calamities and crimes, thus rendering them cold and apathetic to the circumstances of all but themselves. With apathy comes selfishness, and with selfishness anti-socialism.

Unfortunately, most fail to see the impact of shock in society. Many believe that items such as the "Bonsai Kitten" are as harmless as they are tasteless, while others promote self-subjection to morbidity and shock as a healthy, normal way to acknowledge the baser side of their nature. These people are famous for spouting off about freedoms and rights while doing their absolute best to encroach upon the freedoms and rights of those who disagree.

Alas, all the reasoning, research, and rhetoric in the world won't dissuade a person who's set on slathering society with shock. Ironically, it's more often the acts of repression and opposition undertaken to stop its distribution that purrpetuate and popularize the matter. Well-meaning people see the sites, their tempers rise, and then they react by telling everyone about the horrible things they've seen. This advertisement drives traffic to the sites rather than away from them, thus promoting the very thing they propose to prevent. Not surprisingly, many of these campaigns are started and driven by those who create and support shock material.

Putting stock in everything you hear is not only foolish but dangerous. You may even find yourself spreading disturbing untruths, as did your cousin, thus contributing to a situation that is more likely to fade if ignored. That which is unsettling when heard is infinitely more disquieting when seen, so when it comes to the internet and urban legends, one is wise to remember the adage: Those seeking trouble unfailingly find it.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)
READERS REMEMBER! You may ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send enquiries to: housecatwisdom@gmail.com.
*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

Real-estate Restlessness

As a rule, we felines dislike change. This aversion is one of the few commonalities shared by humanity and felinity. Nevertheless, change happens, and those who contribute to it couldn't care less about those of us who are adversely affected. Whether it's two mean, overly bloated corporations merging into one gigantic, top-fermenting profit vacuum, or a flat full of drunken, drug addicted hooligans who have somehow scraped enough pennies together to move to your block, change is coming, and whether you like it or not, you'll eventually be its victim.

I can purrsonally attest to the inevitability of change. Recently, my so-called owners had decided to succumb to the pressure wrought by the swelling stupidity of the local neighborhood yahoos. They're selling their house. Of course, this means that they're selling my house, since I am the one in charge. It's an act of flagrant insubordination; they never even consulted with me. This is why I've decided to make the best of the situation, and use it's peculiar circumstances to my benefit.

As my more frequent readers know, I am all about escaping from prison. Mind you, I don't actually want to completely escape. After all, if I were to get away for good, who'd feed me and play mouse on a stick with me? No, I just like to get out and have run of the world for just a little while. The up side to this moving thing is that I have the actual ability to take off whenever a stupid man or an even stupider kid wanders into my part of the house without the supervision of a realtor. They never see it coming. They open the door and I sneak out while their backs are turned. This gives me the freedom to bite each forbidden plant at least twice before I'm caught and tossed back in prison.

Another interesting fact I've learnt is that kids are extremely sympathetic to a hungry kitty. Pull the hungry kitty act on a ten-year-old girl, and Bob's your uncle! Not just a scoop of food, no! A full dish! Sometimes the hungry kitty act doesn't work. This is usually with ten-year-old boys and men. Then I have to resort to taking the women hostage for ransom. So far this ploy has worked well. A few shrieks, a few squeals, and before long the fellahs are slipping fistfuls of treats under the door in exchange for their ladies.

I must admit, I fear my play days are up. My self-proclaimed owner recently posted a warning letter on our flat door. It sort of softens my teeth to the people. It reads as follows:

• **CAT ALERT!**
  Please, keep this door tightly closed, as Mr. Fleez enjoys making escape attempts. To date he has successfully escaped 1,678 times, usually twice on laundry days.
  
  Please, do not touch Mr. Fleez, as he is not at all hesitant to bite if he suspects you might taste good.
  
  Please, do not feed Mr. Fleez regardless of what he tells you. He is an imperturbable liar who will stop at nothing to snark an extra meal.
  
  If Mr. Fleez threatens to take you hostage for ransom, lock his lippy hinder in the bathroom. That'll teach him.
  
  Thank You,
  Azy.

Why must humans interfere with a feline's fun? It hardly seems fair to me. Nevertheless, I've got work to do. I must figure out a way to undermine this letter so that I can continue reaping the rewards associated with prospective buyer house showings. There must be a way to replace that letter with one of my own, and if there is, by Jove, I'll find it!

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)

Mr. Fleez' Agony Session #23: A Question of Causes.

Dear Mr. Fleez,

Why is AIDS so bad in Africa?

Anonymous.



Dear Anonymous,

Scientists and sociologist have long believed that the prevalence of HIV throughout Africa is due to an overly promiscuous culture. However, since the implementation of programmes for HIV awareness and public education have brought about a drop in sexually transmitted occurrences, some serious questions are raised regarding the medical policies of international organisations such as WHO (World Health Organisation) and UNAIDS. Many now believe that Third World medical practices are to blame for the persistence of HIV in Africa, and independent studies have shown that unsafe injections administered in hospitals, clinics, and vaccination programmes play a greater role than previously believed.

Critics of international efforts suggest that between 20 and 40 percent of infections are spread by the use of contaminated needles. WHO and UNAIDS officials, doggedly focusing on their "safe sex" campaign, credit them with a marginal 2.5 percent. I'm not disregarding the need for continued social education, but I consider it appalling that when faced with these findings, such trusted organisations reacted by minimising the risks of using improperly sterilized needles.

New Scientist attributed one particularly ludicrous rationalization to George Schmid, a senior HIV researcher with WHO in Geneva, Switzerland: Apparently, he believes that "rinsing equipment twice in water reduces the chances of HIV infection 95%." This same individual was also credited with the equally ridiculous suggestion that because "most injections involve jabbing the needle into muscle rather than into a vein…this makes blood contamination less likely, it also reduces the chances of passing on the virus." I wonder if that attitude would satisfy the Swiss government.

Although this is still a greatly debated topic, few dispute the need for both social education and medical advancement in Africa. So, to answer your question more precisely, the principal catalyst for this horrid disease is, and has always been, ignorance of one sort or another.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)


READERS REMEMBER! You may ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send enquiries to: housecatwisdom@gmail.com.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.