What's With Humans and Their Underwear?

If we made a list of inventions noted for setting man apart from animals, underwear is bound to fall just below the flushing toilet. I realise we felines don't actually build automobiles; nor are we keen on riding in them, but we are more likely to make use of automotive technology than the basic Y-front or bikini brief. Granted, this article isn't about setting man apart from felines exclusively; but the fact remains that you are more likely to see an elephant being transported to the zoo in a truck than you are to see him being taken to the beach in a pair of boxer shorts. Besides, even if you could squeeze some boxers over his enormous haunches, you'd be hard-pressed to keep him down long enough to pull up his trousers; and, ultimately, if they aren't under something, they aren't underwear. That's the definition of underwear: Garments worn under the clothing for whatever reason best known to the wearer.

I suppose it's possible that man's underwear obsession isn't all about comfortably fitting clothing and keeping the trousers fresh for a second wear. There is the element of secrecy to consider. Perhaps it's more about concealing flaws than it is comfort or cleanliness. After all, no one plans to be in a horrible accident, but wearing clean underwear is the typical human's age-old preparation for just in case. Further, no one decides to split their trousers or trip on a crack and go bum-up on the pavement, so the threat of accidental exposure may be a very real factor.

Whatever the reason, humans are obsessed with underwear. Some spend hundreds on it each year. That's hundreds they could be spending on housecats! Yes, it's painfully obvious that the underwear industry has turned humans into a lot self-centred egomaniacs, who are happy to let their feline friends go without new catmint mousies while they tuck their bums neatly into trousers with all their pocks, spots, and dimples safely out of view. (Not coincidentally, the right pair of knickers can be invaluable in this area.) Personally, I think underwear should be boycotted on the charge of pandering to mankind's insecurities and impeding feline tranquillity earth-wide.

Yours Purringly,

W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)

Yes, there is a reason cats do not wear pants!

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READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lazers, Treats.

Mr. Humphries' Agony Session #7

Dear Mr. Fleez,

I have been asked to host a dinner party by a friend of mine. I guess that doesn't sound too bad, but the reason she wants me to host it is because the inside of her house looks like it was hit by a passing typhoon. She has like twenty kids, and none of them are well-behaved, and now her sister and brother-in-law are coming up from New Mexico, and she wants me to host their welcoming dinner because she doesn't want them to see her house. I think the whole things stupid and she should just get over it and host her own dinner because they're going to have to see her house sooner or later anyway, but she insists that they won't because he never stays anywhere but in a hotel. I sort of feel bad for her, but at the same time she kind of deserves it. I'm not the one who made her house a wreck or didn't train her kids, and I don't think I should have to bail her out like this. Any suggestions?

Irritably your,

Not Hungry!


Dear Not Hungry,

From my personal observations I've learnt that some humans will do anything, short of actual work, to keep up appearances. Some feel that orchestrating an elaborate ruse is easier than taking the time and effort to bring things together honestly. There are many reasons for this, the most common of which is that honesty is often overwhelming to one who is used to deception.

People who come from deceptive families learn to deceive from a very young age. Children of a closet gambler, drinker, or abuser are frequently expected to hide such compulsions from authorities, friends, relatives, and, in some cases, other parents. Whether by threat or bribery, a parent who conscripts their children into such illusory behaviour is setting them up for a life of deception. Such youths enter adulthood without a clear concept of what is honest and what is not.

I'm not saying that such is the case in this situation. Though, from your letter, which wasn't exactly precise as to your friend's motive, it does sound as if she is asking to claim your home as her own in order to hide the true state of affairs from her brother-in-law. If this assumption is correct, you have quite a predicament on your paws, and I'm glad I'm not you. Nonetheless, there are options.

Firstly, you can discuss the situation with her directly. At the risk of sounding cynical, this probably won't accomplish anything. A person willing to so deceive her own family isn't liable to come clean about it to you. She'll more likely fail to see anything wrong with her plan, or equally likely she'll become defensive and try to make you feel as though you're being judgemental. Either way, you're headed for conflict.

Your next option is simply to deny her request with little or no explanation. After all it's your house, and you have the right to decide whether or not you will host a dinner party there. Furthermore, if she isn't a housekeeper in her own home, how can you reasonably expect her to assist with cleaning up after the event is over? True, this option is also heading for conflict, but probably not as much as if you were to approach her about the situation directly.

Another option is to concede and have the dinner at your home. This may avoid conflict in the present, but be prepared for similar situations to arise down the road. Then, if you do resort to hosting the dinner, there is one final option: Insist on a "surprise" menu. Yes, he that controls the menu controls the contentment of all at the table. If you were to serve an exquisitely spicy, double-hot curry accompanied by an excessively salty squid and oyster soup, I'm sure your friend would be less apt to draft you into any of her future dinner schemes. Though, just to be sure you might consider an unpleasant novelty desert. (Litter box cake anyone?)

Yours Purringly,

W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)


READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.


akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lazers, Treats.

Science According to a Cat.

This past Thursday I read a fascinating article about some sponges that have baffled researchers at the University of Stuttgart. I crossed it in one of my self-proclaimed owner's more read-worthy periodicals, a slim, papery volume, simply titled Awake!, and at first it looked like little more than a curious titbit of trivial interest. Now, however, after several thought-conducive periods of silent meditation, I realise its true value: This article is possibly the best example of how dogmatic conventionalism stifles the depth of actual knowledge held by the scientific community.

I freely admit that I am no scientist. One reason is the mechanical impracticality of holding a glass beaker without the benefit of an opposable thumb; another is an unremitting temptation to taste the lab rats. Keep in mind, however, that such drawbacks of felinity do not hinder logical, coherent thought, but, in fact, foster it. (Possibly not the tasting rats bit, but you wouldn't believe the precise thinking required to put these blogs into a format understandable to the common human.) It is only because of my superior feline reasoning and an inability to develop dogmatic, human-like philosophies that I can confidently suggest faults in the modern scientific method.

The aforementioned article, A Surprising Sponge, delineates several remarkable talents displayed by what is described as a "white, spherical sponge." Listed among these talents is the ability to propel itself several centimetres a day, (which apparently is quite a feat for a small, white, spherical sponge,) the ability to reduce its own body mass up to seventy percent by simply constricting itself at rhythmic intervals, and absorbing nutrients and soluble oxygen when reabsorbing water. As notable as these abilities are, however, the thing that has most baffled the scientific minds of Stuttgart Germany is this sponge's response when small crustaceans are introduced to its environment. Since, technically, it has no nervous system, researchers are plagued with the age-old question, how? How does an organism possessing no brain or nerve receptors control movement or detect the presence of other creatures?

The human solution to this phenomena, and others like it, is to attain funding to do more research, become more baffled, and, finally, in the end, present a thousand different theories, all of which will later be "debunked" by a smarter, wealthier, scientist, who will then win the Nobel Prize for making strides in modern marine biology or some other such rubbish.

The feline solution is much more practical: Attain funding to harvest more test subjects, find a reception hall that offers cooking facilities, and organise a sponge cook-off with as many prominent French chefs as are willing to attend. Think about the puzzling subjects as you pop them into your mouth and wash them down with a choice wine. True, you may not come up with a thousand plausible theories, but upon finishing your feast you will be able to add one hardcore fact to the science texts: Sponges may have many baffling talents, but one they do not possess is the ability to taste good.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries (Mr. Fleez for short.)


READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.



akw: Grooming salon, Decorations, Kitty Condo, Cat Tree, Cat Toy, Cat nip, Cat Teaser, Cat Lazer, Cat Treats.

Mr. Humphries' Agony Session #6

NOTE TO READERS: Due to endless hate mail addressed to me by more than a few angry, parasite-infested Chihuahuas, I will in future spell my nickname in a different fashion. I'm hoping that further confusion will heighten their nervous shaking and thus reduce their ability to type in an accurate e-mail address.

Yours Purringly,
W. C. Humphries (Mr. Fleez for short.)


Dear Mr. Fleez,

This is my first year at university. Things have gone alright so far, but I feel unusually out of place. It is almost like there is no place for me here. I don't think I have a poor self-concept. I think I know me pretty well. But this is a big place with a lot of diversity, and I feel rather lost. How can I fit in with a peer group without changing who I am?

Sincerely,
Lost in the crowd.


Dear Lost,

Firstly I would like to remind you that, as an individual, there is no way to "fit in" anywhere without first altering something about yourself. If you doubt this statement, look again at the different "peer groups" on your campus and study the internal similarities of dress, grooming, and attitude. Practically everything one does within a group will be judged on the basis of how he looks while he's doing it.

Unfortunately, in the world of so-called humanity, most people operate on a supremely critical level. Even the "outsiders" maintain an air of pretentiousness. A condescending spirit permeates the more prominent assemblages and can gnaw at an otherwise normal person's sense of character, causing him to question his personal worth. This is where the trouble begins. Once you become so enamoured with the group mentality that you forget what makes you, it's easy to fall prey to peer pressure. You may think you know yourself now, but if you don't have the personal fortitude to stick with who you are, you'll be just as miserable and lonely within a specific "peer group" as you will be without one. Possibly more so.

Like nearly every other person walking the face of the earth (or at least the westernised regions thereof), you'll have to either conform to something or, as one lowly individual, get lost in the crowd. Then, what's so bad about being lost in the crowd? After all, there are likely others out there, wandering about, just as lost as you. Maybe by gazing at the "peer group" picture, you've overlooked the very niche you're seeking: Authentic individuality.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries. (Mr. Fleez for short)


READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send your enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.


akw: Grooming salons, Decorations, Kitty Condos, Cat Trees, Cat Toys, Cat nip, Teasers, Lazers, Treats.