Time For a Holiday!

My beloved readers,

This week I'll be basking in the sun, munching on kibble, tormenting the beta fish, and doing just about anything other than writing. I think it's what humans refer to as, "taking a holiday." I'm sorry there was no forewarning, but if I'd have actually told you I was taking a holiday, you wouldn't have bothered to come to the site and see the many photos that I've placed here to beguile you, thus ensuring your return next week.

::you can't resist my purring::



I sincerely hope you enjoyed the snaps, and purrhaps when I return I'll share some of my holiday photos as well. Or maybe I won't.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)







READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send enquiries to: housecatwisdom@gmail.com.
*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

Mr Fleez' Agony Session #20: Testing Tips.

Dear Mr. Fleez,

I'm taking the GED exam in August and I'm FREAKIN!! My instructor tells me that there's an essay test, and I don't know how to do that! I'm cool if I write a sentence! How do I even start? HELP ME!!!! How do you write an essay?

Flunked-N-Punked! NYC USA!


Dear Punked,

While writing is a difficult and timely skill to learn, I promise you that creating an acceptable essay isn't always about purrfecting the technicalities. To answer your question, I'll provide you with the essentials needed to produce a winning article, beginning with content.

Content is probably the most important aspect of your piece. The matter about which you write will either hold or fold your reader's interest, and if your reader loses his interest, you lose your reader. Content should be meaningful and well arranged, which brings us to the next integral aspect: Organisation.

If your information isn't well organised, or if it lacks focus, it's not going to win any awards for riveting writing. In fact, it may be impossible to follow. Trying to figure out why George IV is mentioned before George III in an article chronicling the House of Hanover is more likely to annoy, frustrate, or confuse your audience than it is to hold their attention. Try keeping things in a logical order, or at least a progressive one.

Voice is something that many people fail to associate with writing, but it's extremely important to the comprehension of your content. When we read, we hear the "voice" of the writer in our minds. What a reader hears in his head must be fluent and understandable. If it isn't, he may stumble, skip lines, or find himself repeating the same paragraphs in order to grasp their import. This important trait is one that all good writers, amateur or professional, must utilise. When writing, reveal your purrsonality with your words. Give them some spice; add some sarcasm, a little bit of sternness, or whatever fits your content and really reflects how you're saying what you're saying. You know how you hear it in your head; now, you have to transfer that "voice" to the head of your reader so he, too, can hear it in his.

Word Choice is vital to the voice of your essay. There's nothing more distracting than reading the same descriptions over and over. For instance, using wordy affectations to describe actions or emotions will only bore and irritate your reader. Writing something like, "She jumped practically out of her skin," every time she (whoever she is) gets startled is both ineffective and annoying.

When choosing words, descriptives aren't the only things one must consider. Yes, writers have far lager fists to fray. Notice anything wrong there? Your word choice is also about weather or not you use the correct words to transport your perception to the reader. Take the previous sentence as an example: If you cross-reference the word idea in a thesaurus, you'll find the word perception, but does perception really convey the proper meaning? The same holds true with transport, which is listed under convey. These words my be synonyms but are they easily understood? What about the use of weather rather than whether. Homonyms, words that sound the same but are spelt differently, can trip a reader up, or, in some cases, change the meaning of the sentence altogether. (Just some side notes on word choice: -1.- If you don't know how to use a thesaurus, learn first; use later. -2.- If something doesn't sound right, check it. -3.- NEVER, NEVER EVER, rely on computer grammar\spell checkers too catch all of your errors, because, quite frankly, they won't.)
Once you understand the mechanics of word choice, the next essential, fluency, should be easy-peasy. Read it aloud. How does it sound? Does it come out smoothly? Do you sputter or trip over it? Does it sound more like something from Sylvester and Tweety than it does an essay on The Irradiation of Peaches in the Southern United States of America? If so, you may still have a purroblem with word choice. Don't get frustrated. We all do at times. Just remember, practice makes purrfect; and, better still, on a timed exam, no one expects perfection.

The final essential is simply grammar. Grammar goes paw in paw with both fluency and word choice. If you have poor punctuation, or no punctuation, your reader will either get the wrong sense, make up his own sense, or lose his senses out of frustration. Whatever the outcome, you risk altering your meaning completely. (Sound-bite justice, if you will. Only without media interference, you'll have none other than yourself to blame.)

The importance of proper punctuation can be illustrated by the incorrect rendering of this sentence: "I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise." The correct rendering reads: "I tell you today, you will be with me in paradise." Because of the misplaced comma, the meaning of this sentence is changed and a future event that is foretold today is mistaken for an event that will occur today.

Admittedly, grammar may not be the main consideration when grading timed essays. Nevertheless, it will be considered. So, ask yourself, "Do I follow the rules, or do I go against the grain and insist that everything be written in Pseudo-Mod-Gregorian style with no capitals and only periods separating the sentences?" If you answer the latter, I'm guessing you'll fail. Don't feel you have to be a technical expert, but do not underestimate the importance of understandable punctuation.

I sincerely hope you successfully complete your exam. If you have any further concerns about writing essays, purrhaps you can address them with your instructor. He may be able to assist you in writing a practice paper, so you don't feel as though you're flying blind on exam day. I would even be willing to look such a document over and offer my critique, if you feel it will help. Whatever the case, with practice and genuine effort, I'm confident you'll succeed.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)



READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send enquiries to: housecatwisdom@gmail.com.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

And She Sometimes Calls ME Freak Show!

Some articles write themselves. The words flow from our paws like the waters of a craggy spring flow through a clichéd old simile. Such trains of thought can't be broken; they're virtually unstoppable. Then there are the others: the articles we want to write but find wording them nearly impossible. These trains of thought stop frequently, backing up to take on extra, often unnecessary, cargo before dawdling forward at a painfully slow pace, and even when they do finally manage a decent speed, the wise writer avoids premature enthusiasm. He knows that there's probably a gang of dark, mustachioed bandits waiting around the nearest curve in preparation for an outline ambush. Yes, as I've said before, writing is a bittersweet trade. It's either bliss or bother with very little in-between.

I blame materials. Not software, pens, ink or paper (though handling these is admittedly difficult when lacking opposable thumbs), but rather the matter upon which we base our content. One's content is usually inspired by purrsonal experience, so when reality leads us by the paw and abandons us somewhere between The Far Side and The Twilight Zone, we're forced to modify it to suit the reader. This can only work two ways: we must either omit the absurd little details that initially strike us as interesting, thus toning it down for the mainstream audience, or we must inflate those oddities into something totally unbelievable, thus gearing it toward the next edition of The Weekly World News. Such inspiration is troublesome and usually takes the form of a malicious little fork in the already winding road of freelance writing.

I have a theory, and since this is my column, I'm going to share it with you: "Bat Boy" really does exist, and he really did marry Margaret Thatcher's "Mini-me". I'm telling you this, not because I want you thinking me an incurable sucker, but because it's a splendid illustration of my purrevious point. Let's assume for the moment that "Bat Boy's" real name is Gregory, that he really lives somewhere near Nowhere Idaho, and that he's married to a British-born dwarf called Maggie, whom he met at a vampire convention back in 1990. We'll also assume that this interesting duo lives up the street from Joe Writer, and that they were accidentally discovered when Mrs. Writer (Joe Writer's wife) happened to be selling an exceptionally rare, hard-cover copy of Anne Rice's Interview With a Vampire at her yearly garage sale.

Imagine the scene as Gregory strolls in, lifts the book from the makeshift table and clutches it excitedly to his chest. As his resultant euphoria gushes forth in a bray of spasmodic laughter, his artificially elongated incisors peer out from beneath his twitching upper lip, offering an ethereal display of his obsessive compulsive nature. (By now any writer worth his Biro has run his manners through the shredder and is staring shamelessly.) In machinegun fashion he rambles on about how he met his wife Maggie. He goes into detail about how both were lonely and never thought they'd find true love. (At this point, Joe Writer is not only staring shamelessly but is also taking notes in the margins of his newspaper with a broken crayon he swiped from a nearby box marked 10p.) Then, while queuing for signatures on their favourite vampire novels, they met and were married within a week.

Now, I can't guarantee the accuracy of this conjecture; but at least it's plausible, and, if nothing else, it shows how peculiar realities can both inspire a writer and boggle his mind all in one go. After all, Gregory is definitely interesting, but recounting the incident in exact detail isn't likely to hold the average reader's attention for long. Joe Writer is forced to get creative.

Again, this story can go two ways: Mr. Writer can either relate it as an exceptionally twisted, yet heart-warming, tale of how two people, destined to be lonely, cheat the fates and find true love, or he can spin it into "Bat Boy" (as Mrs. Writer later dubbed him while discussing her day over tea). Then, to the sensible writer, there is only one option: go to the fiction market and trump it up into something so sensational that someone would have to be a blathering idiot to believe a single word. After all, there's not a book on the shelves called Chicken Soup For The Blackened, Vampire-Loving Goth Soul, and even if you wrote one, the court costs and damages imposed during the copyright infringement suit would likely devour your profits.

Enter the fork: even the least successful writer has some semblance of pride. No one wants their name attached to a fictionalised tabloid, and the more reputable publications, say, Mad Magazine (if you can call that reputable), aren't likely to bite (pun intended) on the "Bat Boy" proposal, so we vainly grope for a way in which to tell the story without hiding behind a pen name that's only marginally more convincing than the content of the piece. More often than not, we fail miserably.

I'll be purrfectly frank, this article started out as a humorous account based on the all-too-bizarre-to-be-real creatures that crawled out from their respective holes and attended my self-proclaimed owner's yearly yard sale. That, as if you couldn't guess, is where my theory on "Bat Boy" was born. Believe me, with all the notes I collected from that fiasco, I could've written the current issue of The Weekly World News by myself, "Bigfoot's Baby" and all!

She had the tattooed man, the bearded lady, and a chap whose beer-belly might've contained his unborn twin. There was a bona fide lunatic, more than a few lost marbles, and so many loose screws that had she just removed the lot, she'd have collected enough to reinforce the floors of Buckingham Palace. Purrsonally, I think she should have hired a farris wheel and some elephants. The profits from admissions would've shadowed her sales like an aardvark shadows an anthill. (How's that for clichéd?) It was a rag-mag writer's virtual utopia, complete with clown cars and carnies! Were I to spell out each of these extraordinary people (for the lack of a better word), I'd surely have a novel to rival Ripley's. So, instead, I'll just leave it to your imaginations and call it a night.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)


READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send enquiries to: housecatwisdom@gmail.com.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.

Mr. Fleez' Agony Session # 19: Backbiters.

Dear Mr. Fleez,

I have a friend who is always talking behind my back. She says she doesn't, but more than one person has said the same thing more than once. Why do people bother pretending to be your friend when really they have so many bad things to say about you? Why not just stop being your friend?

Yours truly,
Confuzzled.


Dear Confuzzled,

I'd like to begin by providing a few definitions of the word friend:

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

Now let us look at the term backbiter. A backbiter is someone who pretends to be a friend for the purpose of having something to talk about, something to use against you, something to use against another, or something to use to his own benefit. In reality a close friendship with this individual is not necessary, but he or she may take the initiative to get to know you in order to harvest distasteful fodder. You'll often find backbiters in corporate settings or in places where there's a purrcieved pecking order, i.e. school, clubs, associations, etc. A true backbiter often befriends those whom he sees as a threat to his purrsonal advancement, popularity, or so on. He'll gather information on such ones and pass it on to superiors, friends, colleagues, or whoever he thinks will listen. This information needn't be true as long as it sounds plausible and is juicy enough to gain a few oohs and aahs.


Bear in mind that not everyone who talks behind the back of another is a genuine backbiter. Sometimes they are simply frustrated friends, airing minor grievances to a mutual acquaintance without malicious intent. This happens because it's often easier to pretend that everything is warm milk and biscuit treats than it is to work on a relationship (i.e. talking about annoyances, accepting differences, and allowing or asking for space) and run the risk of sounding overly sensitive. The proverbial backbiter knows that it takes a good deal of nerve for an outsider to talk badly of one good friend to the other. This is why she waits for just such an opportunity to covertly undermine the friendship. She hears what your frustrated friend says, and either twists it around to you in hopes that you'll believe you're being talked about and promptly take offence, or she'll provide your friend with such enthusiastic sympathies, even recalling other minor incidences from the past, that before long she's twisted a clipped claw into a broken paw, thus portraying yours as the quintessence of rotten friendships.

Such backbiters play an active, worldwide role in the destruction of family relationships, romantic relationships, professional relationships, academic relationships, and even just neighbourhood relationships. No relationship is immune, no matter how good or how strong it may seem. An outwardly devout husband may leave his wife of fifteen years for a conniving, backbiting women, all because he allows himself to be influenced by her twisted tales and half-truths. The same thing may happen with a woman and her mate. Yes, backbiters and busybodies usually wear the same gloves, and these backbiting, busybodied home-breakers may have been good friends of one spouse or the other for many years, offering a supportive ear whenever a problem arose.

There are countless other examples of how backbiters will use and manipulate others in order to get their own way. They, like more severe sociopaths, are lacking in both moral and social scruples and therefore see nothing wrong with what they do, unless that is, it's being done to them by another. All they care about is coming out ahead. Then, were it not for these individuals who would the major corporations hire as CEOs?

Confuzzled, my best advice for you is this: HONESTLY evaluate your friendship with the accused as well as her accusers. If she stands to gain from your having a stained reputation, then the accusations may be true. If not, purrhaps the truth has been exaggerated by her accusers. Purrhaps she said something out of frustration without realising how it may have sounded to others. All humans have their moments, and such statements are often misconstrued. Regardless, if you value your friendship, you need to speak with her directly, calmly, and openly. If you go into the conversation focused on mending the purroblem rather than ending the friendship, you may be able to overcome any behind-the-scenes backbiters who are waiting to take your place the moment you've gone. Either way, it's up to you to decide if she fits your definition of a true and trusted friend.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)

READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

*DISCLAIMER: By contacting Housecat Wisdom you're asking a housecat for his personal opinion. If you require serious advice, please, write Ann Landers, Dear Abby, or consult a professional psychiatrist.