Mr. Fleez' Agony Session # 19: Backbiters.

Dear Mr. Fleez,

I have a friend who is always talking behind my back. She says she doesn't, but more than one person has said the same thing more than once. Why do people bother pretending to be your friend when really they have so many bad things to say about you? Why not just stop being your friend?

Yours truly,
Confuzzled.


Dear Confuzzled,

I'd like to begin by providing a few definitions of the word friend:

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.

Now let us look at the term backbiter. A backbiter is someone who pretends to be a friend for the purpose of having something to talk about, something to use against you, something to use against another, or something to use to his own benefit. In reality a close friendship with this individual is not necessary, but he or she may take the initiative to get to know you in order to harvest distasteful fodder. You'll often find backbiters in corporate settings or in places where there's a purrcieved pecking order, i.e. school, clubs, associations, etc. A true backbiter often befriends those whom he sees as a threat to his purrsonal advancement, popularity, or so on. He'll gather information on such ones and pass it on to superiors, friends, colleagues, or whoever he thinks will listen. This information needn't be true as long as it sounds plausible and is juicy enough to gain a few oohs and aahs.


Bear in mind that not everyone who talks behind the back of another is a genuine backbiter. Sometimes they are simply frustrated friends, airing minor grievances to a mutual acquaintance without malicious intent. This happens because it's often easier to pretend that everything is warm milk and biscuit treats than it is to work on a relationship (i.e. talking about annoyances, accepting differences, and allowing or asking for space) and run the risk of sounding overly sensitive. The proverbial backbiter knows that it takes a good deal of nerve for an outsider to talk badly of one good friend to the other. This is why she waits for just such an opportunity to covertly undermine the friendship. She hears what your frustrated friend says, and either twists it around to you in hopes that you'll believe you're being talked about and promptly take offence, or she'll provide your friend with such enthusiastic sympathies, even recalling other minor incidences from the past, that before long she's twisted a clipped claw into a broken paw, thus portraying yours as the quintessence of rotten friendships.

Such backbiters play an active, worldwide role in the destruction of family relationships, romantic relationships, professional relationships, academic relationships, and even just neighbourhood relationships. No relationship is immune, no matter how good or how strong it may seem. An outwardly devout husband may leave his wife of fifteen years for a conniving, backbiting women, all because he allows himself to be influenced by her twisted tales and half-truths. The same thing may happen with a woman and her mate. Yes, backbiters and busybodies usually wear the same gloves, and these backbiting, busybodied home-breakers may have been good friends of one spouse or the other for many years, offering a supportive ear whenever a problem arose.

There are countless other examples of how backbiters will use and manipulate others in order to get their own way. They, like more severe sociopaths, are lacking in both moral and social scruples and therefore see nothing wrong with what they do, unless that is, it's being done to them by another. All they care about is coming out ahead. Then, were it not for these individuals who would the major corporations hire as CEOs?

Confuzzled, my best advice for you is this: HONESTLY evaluate your friendship with the accused as well as her accusers. If she stands to gain from your having a stained reputation, then the accusations may be true. If not, purrhaps the truth has been exaggerated by her accusers. Purrhaps she said something out of frustration without realising how it may have sounded to others. All humans have their moments, and such statements are often misconstrued. Regardless, if you value your friendship, you need to speak with her directly, calmly, and openly. If you go into the conversation focused on mending the purroblem rather than ending the friendship, you may be able to overcome any behind-the-scenes backbiters who are waiting to take your place the moment you've gone. Either way, it's up to you to decide if she fits your definition of a true and trusted friend.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)

READERS REMEMBER! You may now ask Mr. Fleez for his jaded opinion* on your personal situations. Please send enquiries to: housecatwisdom@yahoo.co.uk.

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