Practical Solutions to Serious Issues.

Recently, I've heard a great deal about global warming and its effects on the polar icecaps. I had no idea that such a rift existed in the scientific community; but apparently, and please don't correct me if I'm wrong, because I've not really taken an enormous interest in the subject, and I'll likely just ignore you, there are two basic philosophies on the topic: The Lookouts and their enthusiastic opposition, the Ostriches.

According to my research, which is admittedly scant, the Lookouts are a group of scientists and scientific groupies who have taken it upon themselves to save the human race from their own stupidity by pointing out all sorts of man-made ecohorrors and their eventually disastrous effects on not only the polar icecaps, but the entire earth as well. These are the people who insist that in ten years the earth will be a swirling mass of super storms, greenhouse gasses, and masses of dead or dying organic matter, i.e. forests, the fauna formerly inhabiting the forests, and the people who formerly relied on the oxygen produced by the trees in the forests. As for the Ostriches, they're the ones who bury their heads deeply in the sands of time, all the while insisting that everything is as it's always been, and if left alone things will simply correct themselves. I may be cutting things a little too precisely, but it's okay. I've already admitted my ignorance, so I can say pretty well whatever I want.

In spite of my lack of information, I do know that there's one thing upon which both sides agree: The polar icecaps are melting. Whether it's just a natural cycle in the earth's weather pattern or if it's a devastating, potentially ecosystem-razing, catastrophic shift in climate brought on by the generally selfish and destructive nature of man, (which sounds infinitely more plausible to me,) who's to say? One side says one thing while the other predictably says another, and those who know little in the way of science are forced to either pick sides with no real facts upon which to base their opinion or smile feebly and admit their ignorance.

Me, I've decided to forego both of the standard options and form my own theory. What the heck? My theory is considerably easier to understand, and it points to an immediate solution to the problem: Eat dolphins and whales.

That's right, if we eat marine mammals, we can slow the melting of the polar icecaps by drastically reducing the concentration of dolphin and whale pee in the ocean. For countless centuries, the high temperature of dolphin and whale urine, as well as the salinity of mammalian eliminations, have raised both the temperature and salinity of ocean water, thus causing the icecaps to melt. And is it any wonder? Have you ever peed in snow? Any cat who's prowled outside during winter knows that ice melts when you pee on it. Furthermore, how long do you figure an ice cube would last in a glass of highly concentrated salt water? Not very, I can assure you!

So that's it; I've solved the problem. Yet another reason cats should rule the world: Practical solutions to serious issues. And I'm certain my solution to global warming would be every ounce as effective as what humans are doing about the matter at present.

Yours Purringly,
W.C. Humphries II (Mr. Fleez for short.)